I realized I love you so much that my heart could burst. It was the night after my stepfather left us—we were gathering our clothes from the yard before the rain came, and I looked at you under the moonlight, working so hard to keep everything in order even as your world was crumbling down.
My mom had me at the age of 19. There were a lot of things that she had to abdicate when she chose to keep her pregnancy, even when all the odds were against her. Our path hasn’t always been easy—we’ve been through awful lots, we’ve been cheated on, we’ve been lied to, we cried alone in our rooms, we learned to lean on the pain as a way to build ourselves from scratch over and over again. We thought it was finally time to breathe in safety, to let our hearts rest in the hands of someone else, to expand our family. It turns out that again, we were wrong, Mom. But at least from that, we won our precious little boy to protect as well.
Momma, I know it’s hard as hell, and I know it hurts when life keeps knocking you down. But then again, every time it happens, there’s a permanent thing. Us. Together. No matter what has happened, no matter who comes between our little family of three, we’ll always have each other.
I know we most likely always disagree on everything. We fight. We get annoyed.
But it only takes looking at you and seeing in your eyes how much you love us.
Right now, I see you putting my baby brother to sleep (as I’m now occupying the space of the man we thought would be here forever for us). You’re singing a pretty lullaby and his little eyelids are closing so peacefully, that it makes me envious of how pure he still is. Right now, Mom, no difference between us matters. I know we’ll give everything we have to keep his world from being shattered too.
I know that right now it’s hard to see through the pain and that the agony that you’re feeling feels endless. But I promise you, all that really matters is that you’re not alone. You’ll never be.
If you’re reading this and you have a warrior disguised as your mother, a mother who is also father, a mother who tries again everyday, a mother who is no longer here (but still looking over you nonetheless), a mother that’s a best friend, a mother who fights just to see you smile, or if you have any loving mother at all, don’t forget to show or send her some love.