We met two years ago. You told me that you saw me across the field and knew right then that you wanted me in your life. I was too young to realize the enormity of what committing to someone really feels like. You brought so much love and reassurance to give me, even when I just couldn’t begin to understand the meaning of love itself. I thought I did. For so long, I thought that loving you could be the greatest thing I could settle down for.
I stopped overthinking things. You were the calmness to my storm, the rationality to my impulsiveness. We were honestly the best match. I had plans to travel, meet new people and enjoy exciting experiences, but when we were together I shifted my entire vision of everything, simply because being with you made me want to do it.
I didn’t do it out of codependency or anything like that. I did it because loving you meant the world to me.
I cheated on my own love journey by meeting you so early in my twenties. It’s almost as if the universe is making a cosmic joke, giving me something that I wasn’t prepared to experience and probably will never get the chance to do so again. A love so pure that even I couldn’t understand how to nurture a heart so beautiful like yours.
The years passed as you watched me turn into the woman that I am today. We grew apart every single day. It got to the point where I let myself believe that I was, in fact, all by myself.
I’m so sorry that I hurt you so much by letting us believe that we were meant to be. But I’m also sorry to myself. You weren’t the only one whose entire world turned upside down as you realized that it just wasn’t right to keep our relationship going solely out of our selfishness.
You were my rock and my beginning, but I now understand that I have to learn how to stand up on my own. It’s not an overnight process, and I’d be lying if I said that every day I don’t wake up wondering if I fucked everything up and missed the great love of my life because of nothing more than being a hot mess.
Even as I write this, I’m not able to transmit even half of what is going through my mind right now. I just wish that every little thing during my days didn’t remind me of you. Every song. Every family member. Every smell. Every food. Everything without you feels kind of wrong.
You always said I’d be the first to move forward and find someone else. But my love, here’s the thing—there’s no moving forward when you’ve met the best. Life with you was bound to be great, I know that. But life by myself is a great shot in the dark that I need to take.