I used to think that I had lost it all when I lost our relationship. I had low self-confidence and was as insecure as they come. I relied heavily on the dependence and validation of another human being to cover the sides of myself that I didn’t want to see. So when our relationship crumbled, it was as if my world fell apart. All of the validation that I felt was now invalidated. All of the plans that I had made were now canceled. It was as if I could see things bursting at the seams, and I was so lost on how to put them together. I felt as if I was left with nothing.
As months passed, I revisited these same feelings over and over again. I would try to battle the thoughts inside my head telling me that I needed to make things right or that I needed to go back into the past to save what was never there, simply just to put my heart at rest. Simply to just be left with something instead of nothing.
It wasn’t until recently, almost a year after it all, that I realize that you actually left me with everything.
Up until this occurrence, I wasn’t aware of my insecurities and how they affected relationships. I wasn’t aware of the trauma that was influencing the way that I communicated. I didn’t realize that I didn’t have a good toolbox of coping mechanisms for anxiety, and I didn’t realize that there was a heart screaming inside of me for my own attention. I didn’t realize that I searched for relationships out of loneliness, and not love. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t speak my mind, and just give until all my strength ran out. I didn’t realize that I needed me. I didn’t realize that I needed time to process my soul, and my feelings, and my doubts, and my dreams.
So although at times it felt like nothing, you actually left me with everything.
Since you left, I was able to explore the darkest corners of my heart. I was able to sit with the house of my brain and revisit the memories that caused me pain. Since you left, I was able to remind myself to just feel emotions and not bury them. Since you left, I was able to become acquainted with the hell of unrequited love, making me just that much stronger.
So no, you didn’t just leave me without anything. You actually left me with everything.
You left me with the ability to take a step back and realize how much it can hurt to put yourself out there time and time again. You left me with the ability to reevaluate what I want out of a relationship. You left me with a greater appreciation for life, a greater expansion of love, and a greater peace of mind. You left me with the ability and the opportunity to rebuild myself. You left me with the chance to try again. You left me with the acceptance of my need to love myself before I do anything else, and for that I thank you.
You actually left me with everything.