Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, and other days I’m not really sure how I am even continuing to function. Some days I feel like my heart is light and full of simple melodies of peace and calmness. Other days, I feel like my heart is so heavy that it is weighing me down and I’m carrying everything. There are days where it is hard for me to express myself, and there are days where I’m too assertive. There are moments when I can’t seem to make a plan for the next day and days where I plan out the next five years of my life. There are moments I want nothing more than to be loved and accepted by someone, and there are days where I feel perfectly content being alone.
I’m starting to learn that my heart is messy. I’m starting to learn that not everything is black and white or scripted to perfectly fit together. I’m starting to learn that some weeks consist of being on track and other weeks consist of falling ten steps down. I’m starting to learn that my heart is messy.
I’m starting to learn that sometimes I still feel the sadness of a broken relationship and the excitement of the new. Sometimes I feel butterflies and sometimes I feel like I’m building walls to stop everyone from coming in.
I’m starting to learn that you don’t just always feel one thing. Sometimes you feel so many different emotions at once that it’s hard to articulate or understand what is actually going on.
I’m finally learning that it’s okay to have a messy heart.
It’s okay to have a heart that cares, cries, and moves on. It’s okay to have a heart that one day understands everything and the next day understands nothing. I’m starting to learn that there is beauty in the messiness. There is a beauty in feeling so many different things at once. There is a beauty to being acquainted with your emotions and knowing that they’re at the tip of your fingers.
I’m starting to not feel ashamed for not having it all figured out. I’m starting to realize that some days I want my ex back and some days I never want to date again. I’m starting to realize that some days I accept my body and some days I don’t. I’m learning that there can be so much beauty in having a messy heart.
I’m finally saying goodbye to the criticisms of feeling too much or too little, and I’m just embracing the fact that I have a messy heart. I’m embracing the fact that some days life may lift me to my highest joys and the next day it might push me down right back to the bottom.
I want a messy heart. I want a heart that grows and feels and cares beyond the unexpected. I want a heart that can continue to empathize and sympathize and get angry. I’m accepting that even when everything falls apart, or even when it all falls into place, that my heart is good, even when it’s messy. I’m finally learning that my heart is messy, and that is okay — having a messy heart is beautiful.