Give it time.
I know you don’t want to. I know that you want them to stay above anything else. I know their coldness consumes your soul and rattles your bones. The indifference tune of their manner drives you up the wall. They occupy your mind and clutch your every nerve, and their silence your very own kryptonite. I know. I know how desperate you are to reach them; to hold and feel them under your hands without the now familiar coldness tracing the layers of their skin. You understand that time cannot possibly reverse itself, and so, in all the glory of your grief, you curse yourself for your inability to make amends and your remarkable lack of appreciation of their existence.
I know how powerful regret can be, and if the air feels heavy, it’s because it has grown weary of holding back your tears. I know how powerful sadness can be. Perhaps, it is only now you realize how profound the loss you must be willing to bear in order for both of you to move forward. I know you miss their presence, because you can graze their skin and the pattern of their veins, and yet, they are not there.
I know, and it’s okay.
I know that you can feel the density of your selfishness and the malignance of the pain you’ve caused them—over and over and over again—sometimes without even knowing it. Are these the only kind of memory you have ever given them? Sorrow?
Is this the way they’re fighting you back and settle the score?
You see, they understand that one does not heal by wounding another.
I know that grief is a headstrong emotion. It does not leave the intricate maze of your thoughts in a blink of an eye. I know how incredibly easy it is for you to cut yourself further over a loss you did not necessarily cause, but please, give your mind a timeout and rest. I know that right now rest sounds unimaginable, because you need to figure this out, this remorse, and before you do, how can you let yourself unwind?
I know. You have gone mad and restless.
I know you wonder how it is possible to want to give in to your guilt and be convinced that it is not your fault at the same time. Some things we have to pay for the rest of our lives, and the price of loss is one of them. I know it can be frightening to give in to your emotions, but give in, give in, and give it time.
I know that people keeps telling you that they’re not gone, they’re not gone, they will always be here, but to you, the echo of their voice and the flush of their cheeks are the only proofs of their existence. To you, they are not here.
Give it time.
Because one day, you will find yourself listening to their voice and following their guidance and picking up their habits you used to find meaningless.
You will find that a little piece of you have become the things that you miss most about them, and somehow, somehow, they complete you in their absence.
I know letting them go is painful. I know it’s hard to believe that this is for the better and it’s probably even harder to believe that your wound will heal with time. But there will come a time when they become more real to you than ever. When you don’t beat yourself up over your grief and when your acceptance is greater than your loss. When you find that you have forgiven yourself and embraced everything you have left of them. I know it’s hard to see that day right now,
But give it time,
Though I know you don’t want to, just give it time.