I did not love myself very well when I shut out everyone who tried to help me, everyone but you. I did not love myself very well every time I slit my wrists, arms, abdomen, thighs and chest. I did not love myself at all when I tried to kill myself.
I was depressed for a couple of years. My doctor and I struggled, tried a number of medications to figure out which one would work for me. I took my time and you were there to help me get back up. You held me in your arms whenever I snapped into an episode of banging my head on the wall, scratching my arms until blood comes out, and worst of all, cutting. You really hated it when I cut myself. You didn’t hate me; you hated the fact that the one you loved could not love herself.
Your words and warmth helped me sleep at night. You assured me that I was worth loving, that there was more to me than the flaws in my biochemistry. Soon enough, the things you wanted me to see became clearer. I was capable of love, even after the bad and the ugly. I was capable of loving you, eventually, myself. I sometimes still cried at night, but you held me looser. I still thought I was worthless but you seem to have gotten tired of telling me otherwise.
We used to spend the whole night, with me reasoning how worthless I am, and you convincing me I was not. But now you couldn’t even last an hour without raising your voice at me and walking away.
I was wondering if you were growing tired of loving me. But the moment you hit me with your own hands, I knew you were tired. The moment you confessed you felt for another, I knew you were no longer mine. The moment you craved for another because I was not enough, I knew you no longer loved me as much as you did before. I asked where I went wrong to deserve everything you did to me. But apart from all these terrible things you’ve done, the answer you gave was what shattered me. “You couldn’t love yourself.”
Maybe you’re right. I did not love myself because after all those things I found it in my heart to forgive you. I did not love myself because I’m still giving out chances. I did not love myself as much as I loved you.
But saying that I could not is where you were wrong. I could. However, in the past, I chose not to. Now, I’m choosing to do so. I can love myself. I am happy with loving others.
I don’t love myself as much as I love the people who are dear to me but that doesn’t mean I have no self-love. I love myself enough to allow happiness in my life. I do love myself. I just don’t put myself first at all times. But I am happy with that too. Fireworks are beautiful but there are other things much more beautiful than that delightful cuddles, warm hugs, and lingering kisses. But that doesn’t make the fireworks any less beautiful on their own.
Never let anyone take the love you have against you. Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth staying for just because you can’t love yourself.