As I am writing this, the clock just turned 11 p.m. It’s Saturday night. My whole apartment is turned upside down and is just a total mess. I went shopping today, trying yet again to fill the never-ending void inside of me. I have no notifications on my phone, no new texts; nobody’s trying to reach me.
I’m halfway through another bottle of white wine. I prefer to drink it with ice, even though snooty people tell you it ruins the flavor. My advice is: Hey, just know that you’re here for a limited time only. If you want to put a few ice cubes in your wine, go ahead and do that. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.
My question is: How do you go on with your life after you find out what it’s really about? How do you go on in spite of all the danger looming over you? Don’t smoke or else you might get cancer. But wait, you might get cancer anyway. Go ahead and drown yourself in debt in order to get that degree but know that it won’t matter when you’re out there looking for your dream job. You’d better start saving up for that house even though you might never own it. Go ahead and waste your time trying to get to know people but remember that you’ll always be alone in this great big world.
So, how do you go on?
How can you go on after you see one homeless person after the other on your daily walk to work? How can you go on with your mundane life after you listen to the news and learn about the horrors happening outside your bubble?
I wish I had an answer for you. The truth is that I don’t know. I haven’t been able to find an answer ever since I found out the heartbreaking truth about this world in my second year at university. I remember I cried a lot that evening. I never recovered. I never woke up the same after that.
What do you do after you learn that nothing that you do will ever really matter? Nothing that you say, or write, or make, or leave behind; nothing will ever matter; not even a little bit. Because you know what? Even though it sounds stupid, we’re all raindrops in an ocean—an infinite ocean of evil and despair and fear. We rape and murder each other every single day in one part of the world while the other part gleefully drowns their numbness with wine and mindless gossip.
It’s well after midnight and I am all out of wine. This is what I have to say: We have nothing to prove to anyone in this whole wide world and we need to fully understand that. The sooner, the better. We just need to make the best with what we’ve been given. Don’t have high expectations, but don’t lower them at the same time. Just live.