I am sorry for the pain my selfishness caused you. After all these years, I can only imagine your heartache and your emptiness; your feelings of being abandoned, neglected, and ultimately replaced.
I do not pretend to have any excuses for my lack of judgment. I was just an eighteen-year-old kid trying to get out of her small town. But I was indeed selfish. We were together for years and we became so close and comfortable with each other. And then suddenly, one afternoon I broke the news to you: I am leaving. I am moving away.
I still remember your face, your expression. It was a mix of shock and disbelief. Your eyes were searching for a solution. Your smile was trying to make it all better. I do not think you really believed me that day. Maybe you thought those were just some meaningless thoughts from a silly young girl.
But the day came and it was too late to keep denying what was about to happen. Still, I asked you to wait for me. Looking back now, my intentions were good. I honestly wanted you to wait for me, for us. I honestly thought everything was going to stay the same.
Sometimes I look at you and I cannot help but get choked up at the thought of you being all by yourself; here, on our favorite park bench, on our favorite street, at our favorite corner shop. I try to imagine what you must have felt during those days when you were alone. I can almost see your eyes light up when seeing me online at the same time as you.
I know I broke you and I know I changed you. I know I took away a piece of your trust in me.
I know I destroyed all the good you thought was in me. I was selfish. I only thought of myself. I should have tried to include you in my future. I should have asked for your opinion. Only now I realize I never once asked for your opinion. For all of this, I am sorry.
I promise I will make it better. I promise I will never turn my back on you again. You loved me and you trusted me. I should have known better.
And you, dear reader, please learn from my mistakes. Do not turn your back away on someone who has loved you for years; someone who has stayed with you through your worst times; someone with whom you’ve shared your most intense memories. Sometimes it is worth having an honest conversation about thoughts and aspirations. It is worth having that conversation for the sake of not breaking a heart.