Over the last three years, I’ve packed my bags 24 times, switched addresses 8 times and commuted more than I’ve travelled my entire life.
So now, in the dawn of a new relocation, I still experience all the terrible mood swings and impossibly extreme emotions I did all the other times, just with a bit more years on my ID and a new passport.
In two months, I’m moving to Berlin.
I chose the most goddamn difficult social system to live in. I don’t know the language, I don’t feel I could learn it, flats are hard to find, healthcare is so expensive I fear to punch myself in the throat and the winter is never ending – but so is the music scene. So is the art. So is the liveliness and lust for life of this city. The lush, the diversity and the authenticity that made me feel like home the first time I landed there.
I want to share with fellow travellers (and readers who simply wonder what it’s like to live your life in transit) my most persistent thoughts 60 days before boarding:
1. Why are all German rental websites in German? Why????
2. It’s okay. I will find something. Soon. I hope so.
3. I can’t wait to do this.
4. ****Vintage shops****
5. Will I ever be able to get a Schufa?
6. Will my family be safe and healthy while I’m gone? Will this affect them?
7. Will my relationship survive this move? Will we be happier? Will we be at least happy? Will he like it as much as I do? Will I still like it?
8. Will I be able to handle my life if I remained alone there?
9. I wish I didn’t have to move again. I wish I were settling.
10. Ooooooouh all the fantastic bands I’m gonna photograph again!!!
11. I’m not gonna make it.
12. This is the place where my current dreams will come true.
13. Are the friends in my life actually ‘in my life’?
14. I wonder exactly how many bars there are in Berlin and how long it’d take me to see the first half.
15. I have to learn to backcomb my hair alone. I’ll go bankrupt if I carry this hairdresser dependency into Germany.
16. I must get used to not smoking in my home office any longer. This is not Kansas anymore!
17. Streaming becomes subject to huge fines and all television and cinema are in a language I don’t speak. I will die.
18. What if my depression will actually intensify due to the 6 month dark, long, German winter?
19. I will have to take Vitamin D each day.
20. Multiple times a day.
21. I probably won’t even remember.
22. What if we’ll never be eligible for a flat?
23. What if I won’t have anything to work?
24. I will. I started this.
25. I have to make it happen.
26. Next time Mario Testino has a book signing party I will be able to attend.
27. I won’t be able to wear heels again soon.
28. But my style will still perfectly match the city’s.
29. Perhaps it won’t be home.
30. But what if it will be?