Since I was angsty, pudgy teen with regrettable fashion taste consisting of an excessive amount of Hot Topic graphic tees, I’ve been attending art classes at a number of esteemed art and design institutions, including spending two-and-a-half humid years at a Florida art college and throughout my years, I’ve noticed a pattern of specific types of individuals–eight to be exact.
Okay, there’s definitely more than eight types of characters I’ve met at art college, such as Fezzes, aka the international students but I didn’t want to pick on them since it’s already hard enough for them with possible deportation a la Trump 2k16 (and also, they kind of are my favorites).
1. The Weeabo
The weeaboo can take on many forms, like the evolutions of a Pokemon. Most are usually harmless kids in various stages of arrested development, channeling almost sexual-like energy into their obsession with anime and Japanese culture. Some display a more aggressive interest that results in wearing forehead bandanas (hachimaki) and unwanted explanations for how they found their girlfriend to be so “exotic” and therefore “interesting” to them when they first met.
2. The Cool Girl
She’s always an upperclassmen when you’re a freshmen, which is when your girl crush begins. She wears ensembles no other earthly being dares to even consider. She’ll wear old man trousers and a messy bun but gosh darnit, the look just works. I don’t make the rules but she can’t be a Cool Girl without a standard nose piercing and some decent nail art. And so many imitate her and few succeed. Later down the line, you’ll realize she was just an ordinary and flawed human person that you put on a pedestal. She’s just a girl that happens to put in extra time to cultivate her appearance along with develop a very unique fashion taste. No harm, no foul with this girl unless you’re the dude that agrees to do a casual fling with her ‘cause that’s a different story.
3. The tortured artist with a Man-Bun™
This guy will likely be found sitting in common areas alone, waiting for someone to come indulge his narcissism. He sits sketching with his head cocked to the side, just like a bad actor’s imitation of an art student. If he grew up rich, then he’s a immaculate hipster with the fortunate ability to draw that makes him endearing to all his non-artist hipster pals and somewhat legitimate to the rest of us. If he grew up poor, then he’s likely the kind of hipster that’s confused for homeless.
4. The Bitter Professor
For every wonderful professor that actually enjoys teaching that you’re lucky enough to meet, there’s one of these unwanted old men waiting around the corner. I want to say this person is the Satan of professors but that’s a title of accomplishment that they don’t deserve. The Bitter Professor takes his unachieved dreams and goals out on young, hopeful twenty-somethings and blasts millennials for anything like knowing how to use a computer or being a woman or non-white person.
5. The Wannabe MPDG
Unlike the Cool Girl, Wannabe MPDG is someone you should avoid getting to know to begin with. I’ve seen girls that project a persona not unlike Zooey Deschanel’s misunderstood Summer and in this case, you’d don’t want to be the poor Tom, I mean Joeq, that projects your misguided fantasy on to her. If she’s falls in the range of Summer’s characteristics, then she carries a ukulele and cries in public at school events.The other subset of Wannabe MPDG originates from Kate Winslet’s dark but lovable Clementine in Eternal Sunshine. She’s often a kind of messed up that in reality, is completely unappealing from her cinematic counterpart–whether that’s chain smoking whenever she’s bored or casually talking about how she spent the holiday break going to bars alone and hooking up with complete strangers. At the end of day, she just makes you sad and you can’t ever really pinpoint why exactly.
6. The Overzealous Figure Drawing Model
This one’s a doozy. He or she can make or break your day depending on the kind of nude poses and intense eye contact that they’re game for. My advice? Play along or be unnerved as Gary of ‘78 takes on an ambitious warrior pose and aims that brightly-lit crotch directly in your general vicinity. My favorite past experience includes Sad Carl (as christened by me), an older fellow with a ball piercing and a gaze that silently cries for help. For first time with SC was jarring until I (figuratively, of course) embraced him as a part of my education.
7. The Stoner
The Stoner likely hails from somewhere small, white and overwhelmingly rural such as North Carolina or central Florida. He’s sheltered and secretly gentle so he thinks he’s badass for listening to Childish Gambino and memorizing the foul-mouthed lyrics. His loopy and blobby artwork distinctively indicates the active use of cannabis and yet professors seem unaware of this. Maybe the ones from the seventies recognize themselves in him? Anyways, he can only talk to women when he’s high. If you end up in the unfortunate spot of going on a date with him, he’ll take you to see the Spongebob movie or something equally asinine while you’re both high as a kite. He probably skateboards or goes camping–anything that encourages well-ventilated smoking.
8. The Furry
Ahh, the furry, a recently discovered breed of human/animal/weirdo. I consider the Furry to be the unofficial mascot of art schools. If you have no idea what a furry is, god bless your innocent soul and stop reading now. The Furry may be the last on this list but she or he will certainly be one of the first of these people that you come across at art college, you poor schmuck. The Furry is omnipresent and invades your life with seventh-grade art of Sonic the hedgehog and any Disney animal character that you can’t unsee.
Worst of all, the Furry creates a special animal identity for themselves that involving wearing a tail in public–which admittedly, I am not quite sure how that works and will remain blissfully ignorant of for as long as possible. While the weeabos keep their sexual energy at a low simmer, the Furry turns up the heat to the highest degree. The Furry straight up draws animal porn and sometimes makes money off of it through online commissions! Exactly what mom and dad had in mind when they shelled out 100+k in art school tuition. Heed Batman’s words, “you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Die a hero, my friend.