Thought Catalog

35 Ways To Be Pretentious

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  1. Google photos of Victoria Beckham and imitate her facial muscles to the best of your ability.
  2. Shop at boutiques you’re unsure the pronunciation of, like L’Occitane (LOHK-SEE-TAHN).
  3. Don’t smile.
  4. Wear your sunglasses at night, when it’s raining, when you’re with someone more important than you.
  5. Spend $234 on a T-shirt because you saw it in Flaunt Magazine.
  6. Wear black.
  7. Look at people with a confused but slightly offended face when they ask you questions.
  8. Don’t answer questions.
  9. Walk like you’re Jesus crossing the red sea or Lara Stone walking for Dior.
  10. Tell people to BBM you.
  11. Open a pop-up shop with your BFF (best fag forever) and proclaim yourselves the next Raquel Zimmermann and Nick Knight.
  12. Upload Twitpics of things like truffles behind glass and caption it “Spring is here.” Make sure the price tag is visible.
  13. When your mother calls you to ask how you’re doing with school and work, say “What? Mother I am on the Metro on my way to meet Julia Restoin-Roitfeld for brioche. Can’t talk.”
  14. Throw broken French into conversation whenever possible.
  15. Make sure there is always someone around to laugh at your irrelevant jokes.
  16. Talk about your favorite current exhibition at the Tate Modern and how Lily Donaldson still has your Balenciaga cuff.
  17. Never agree with anything.
  18. Never discuss politics.
  19. Talk about your latest obsession with Gaspar Noé films and how psychedelic melodramas are the new black.
  20. When people ask you how you’re doing, respond with a sigh.
  21. Carry an unopened handwritten letter addressed to you in your bag.
  22. Make sure the letter peeks out of your knockoff Fendi.
  23. Throw house parties.
  24. Cancel half of them the day before because of an impromptu photoshoot with your photographer BFF who works for Fantastic Man.
  25. Spontaneously roadtrip to LA to see Liam Gallagher’s new band play a secret show.
  26. Convince your wealthiest friend to let you throw your half-birthday party on their roof.
  27. Tweet about the roof party.
  28. Always drink your coffee black.
  29. Surround yourself with people that have accents or names like Volga, Apricot, Felix, or Trick.
  30. Have 3 signature scents that you rotate between on the daily.
  31. Spend too much money on candles and business card holders.
  32. Don’t dance at dance parties.
  33. Become a muse.
  34. Have a photo of your nails reblogged over 11,000 times on Tumblr.
  35. Die before 30. TC mark

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    • lando

      sounds cool

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      “Surround yourself with people that have accents or names like Volga, Apricot, Felix, or Trick.”

      Trick. I would absolutely love to have a friend named 'Trick'. I know someone named 'Duke'…

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XETLBYNZPN66ONYTNISZIDTU2Q OT

      sounds like someone in the fashion industry, i'm not bothered by any of this
      pick on performance artist or writers or something

      • cazador

        you know except that the fashion industry is kind of damaging in a broad social sense, and totally dangerous to young foreign models.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

      you know what? black coffee is fucking good, ok?

      fuck that shit.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

        also, does it bother any of you that disqus fucks up your profile picture if it isn't perfectly square?

      • natural

        Totally agree.

      • Carrie Bradshaw

        nobody is bashing. it's all i drink to fuel my black soul.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

          as long as we can agree that our souls are black, it's cool.

    • granos

      1,6,7,8,9,14,22 (mine's real and it's vintage), 28 (Earl Grey w/lemon) and 33. I win, now step away plebes, I'm late for my private yoga lesson with Russel Simmons.

    • John

      hahaha, Number 33 beats all

    • Briana

      jesus didn't cross the red sea.

      just sayin

      • http://twitter.com/brunodion Bruno Dion

        Guess he wasn't pretentious enough.

    • Space mountain

      whats wrong with wearing black idgi

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      Also, start referring to things by their level in our culture – low, mid or high.

    • LANDO

      36. Be named 'Ines'

      • lando

        wtf why u stealing my name?

        • landoK

          had to fuckin register and shit o preserve my good name

    • haha

      also: take a bikram yoga class wearing a fitness bra by Imitation of Christ, culottes by Danskin and goldenrod Havaianas.

      • JJ

        *Take a bikram yoga class wearing everything lululemon. Also, bring your lululemon “Groove” bag in a matching color as your lululemon yoga mat, yoga block, and aluminum water bottle with company manifesto.

      • chloe

        make a nectarine dessert and gift it to taryn manning

        • http://profiles.google.com/anhedoniaca Max Parnell

          Have a champagne brunch with Anne Rice, Shohreh Aghdashloo, and Tweet

        • chloe

          feast on flash-tortured emu with mascarpone and lingonberry preserve

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512038806 Adam Green

      They will die before me. I'm happy now.

    • Ines Kovacevic

      One person thus far has pointed out the biblical mis-reference. Although my religious background is limited to my Jesus and his 12 Apostles deck of cards, I will apologize to the non-atheists of the bunch for my oversight.

    • http://twitter.com/missinesss Ines Kovacevic

      One person thus far has pointed out the biblical mis-reference. Although my religious background is limited to my Jesus and his 12 Apostles deck of cards, I will apologize to the non-atheists of the bunch for my oversight.

      • Whyyyyyyyy

        you're dumb.

        • Ines Kovacevic

          ask me if I care

        • A1boatdock

          I think we all see it, we just don't care.

          It's an error, big whoop; we're all human.

      • Guest

        your twitter oozes pretention. hilarious

    • Sars

      Discussing politics can get very pretentious…

    • Itstoday

      How about: Write a list of “35 ways to be pretentious?”

    • Ines Kovacevic

      your attempts to make me feel bad about having a shallow and warped view of the world only erupt my satirical observations at your kind. LUVS U!

      • Tommmmmm

        LUVS U 2!!!!!!

    • Alexandria

      #34 – LOL.

    • Neal Mackey

      Write for Thought Catalog! JK I love Thought Catalog.

    • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

      It's funny: “pretentious” used to imply “literary” or “intellectual”; now apparently it implies “fashionista.” How times change.

      I would say this is both good and bad: good because “literariness” no longer carries with it the automatic suspicion of pretentiousness; bad because it means at this point the veneer of intellectual sophistication has barely any cache, which is an index of just how shallow and decadent we all have become. But it's good in final analysis: if literariness isn't cool anymore, the literary kids are free to start afresh.

    • http://twitter.com/kas_x KAS

      oh shit i probably done like ten of these but i never try to be pretentious…
      since when drink BLACK COFFEE is pretentious

      • wat

        eversince collonialism

    • RamonaCC

      Being pretentious sounds like a blast, especially if I get to say things like, “'What? Mother I am on the Metro on my way to meet Julia Restoin-Roitfeld for brioche. Can’t talk.'”

    • http://harbinger-of-cats.blogspot.com/ Herschel

      “7. Look at people with a confused but slightly offended face when they ask you questions.” Feels inexplicably dead-on.

    • Urethra Franklin

      34.Have a photo of your nails reblogged over 11,000 times on Tumblr.

      GPOY

    • http://hercottonsocks.blogspot.com/ punksocks

      This is how The Bedroom Philosopher does it:

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