I would say I don’t miss you. But I’d be lying. Don’t get me wrong, thanks to pride, most days I don’t. But there are still times-times when the song we always used to listen to in the car comes on,times when I drive past a restaurant we used to go to, and other times when your heart-melting smile pops into my head for absolutely no reason. And a slightly diluted dose of the feelings I had comes back.
But I’m getting through it. I’m farther than I was when you first walked away and left me behind. What’s really funny is that in spite of everything you put me through, I would still never want you to be unhappy,especially because of me. That’s why I’m going to warn you.
You may not like everything in this letter. Scratch that. You’re DEFINITELY not going to like everything in this letter. But I’m writing it anyway. For all the people just like me. People who’ve poured their heart and souls into someone only to feel empty when he/she decided it still wasn’t enough. People naive enough to think “I love you” always means something. I do hope you’ll read it,though. And I hope it means something to you.
Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want ‘us’ back-not anymore anyway.
It’s embarrassing how long it took me to get to that point. No, I just wanted you to understand the emotional repercussions that ensue when a person gets left behind like that. I want you to know my side of the story. And then maybe,just maybe, you’ll think twice next time.
1. I’m Sorry
Bet you didn’t think that was coming next,did you? But I really am. I’m sorry that I expected you to do something you were incapable of. I couldn’t see it. I was searching for love in a heart that couldn’t love itself. That’s my fault. I tend to do that.
I choose people that are almost perfect. People that are so close to everything I need. People with an indisputable amount of ..’potential’.
I always think that all I have to do is gently show them the error of their few huge major flaws and then we’ll live happily ever after. I honestly think I do it subconsciously at this point. That’s why I ingored all of your red flags. I convinced myself that it was only a matter of time until you magically bloomed into the Prince Charming I(and only I) knew you could be. So I’m sorry. I expected more from you than you could have ever given me. And boy,did I pay the price.
Angels and Demons
I want you to know that you’re not special. Ahh,you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to tell you that. Now by saying that, I don’t mean that you’re not smart,charming, and unique.
No, what I mean is that you no longer have power over me. Your words and efforts(or lack thereof) no longer define my worth. Nor anyone’s else’s.
It’s not up to you to dictate that I’m not a “worth it” girl, a “talk til 4 in the morning girl, a “catch yourself smiling for no reason” girl. And it’s not your word that has the power to make me feel like a “just in-between” girl, a “maybe later in life” girl, or a “no need to actually date” girl.
Sometimes, I’d honestly wonder if you could hear yourself. I couldn’t fathom that you could say such hurtful, piercing words without even batting a big brown eye. I’d swear that you were two different people. To this day, I don’t get how someone could make me feel like the only girl in the world one day and a replaceable afterthought the next. But hey, it’s like you always said- “This is the real world.” I’m not saying I was perfect. I made my mistakes,too. And I take responsibility for that. But it takes two to tango,babes. And as usual, you took the lead.
I understand,now, why I did it. There were so many times, when I’d be by myself and honestly think “Why am I still in this?” I did it because I wanted love. Like any other girl that’s been fed Disney stories her whole life, I wanted my fairy tale. Anyone who says they don’t is either lying to you or themselves. We’re human. We’re made to love.
And unfortunately, for those of us who don’t know much better, we’ll settle in order to get it. We’ll convince ourselves that the reason you never text us is because you’re busy..all day..every day. We’ll brainwash ourselves into believing that one day you’ll magically “wake up” and appreciate all the effort we put in.
Or-my personal favorite- that if I stopped doing 99% of the work to maintain the relationship, that it’d bother you,or you’d at least notice. When it comes to love, we can be our own worst enemies. Because being lonely is scary. Being lonely means you might always be lonely. Being lonely means you’re clearly not worth being pursued. Being lonely is unknown and uncomfortable.At least that’s what I used to think. And unfortunately, I wasn’t alone.
It’s a shame-Innocent people becoming romantic casualties every day. But thankfully, that doesn’t happen to all of us.
No, some of us remain hopeful. Some of us choose to keep believing in love even when it’s seemed to have turned it’s back on us. I sure do. Sure,I may no longer believe in Happily Ever After, but I do still believe in Happy Endings. There’s a difference-you taught me that. You taught me that love is not easy,in any form of the word. You taught me that love is a choice even when the object of your love is undeserving. Even when they’re practically daring you to stop loving them. That’s when love really matters. That’s what love really is. And that’s when love really hurts.I appreciate it though. And I wouldn’t change the experience. It’s helped me grow a lot. And I hope you took a few fond memories with you as well.
My Final Goodbye
So that’s it. That’s all I had to say. I honestly hope you never get hurt the way you hurt me. You know how much I always cared about you and apparently it’s looking like I always will. I wish we could still be close. I know you do. But I also know that nothing would be more emotionally detrimental to me right now. What I need right now is time to figure out what exactly it is that I want. I’ve learned that knowing what I don’t want isn’t enough.
I’m going to work on myself-become the person I need to be. I’m going to be strong,brave, and beautiful. And I hope you’re there to see it.
Who knows? Maybe one day our paths will cross in a grocery store or movie theater. We’ll catch up and it’ll be like old times. I’ll tell you about my career and you’ll tell me you finally have the baby boy you always wanted. But in the mean time, I want you to know that I’ve made peace with us,with you. I forgive you. Even though you never apologized. I can see now that we weren’t meant to be and that it really is for the best. I genuinely wish you well.