Let’s dive right in.
It happens to all of us at some form or another – unrequited love. There are a plethora of different reasons why we enter into this excruciating circumstance. Whether this is what you think you deserve, or you’re not sure you’ll find anyone else, or maybe you believe that if you just wish, pray and try hard enough – if you can just hold out one more day, they’ll finally realize that you’re the best thing they never knew they needed.
Whatever the reason, we have to admit that no matter how hard we attempt to hide it, this “spot” is the most uncomfortable in the world – you never feel secure or sure of where exactly you stand with this person. And the fear in the back of your mind – the fear that is all to real – is that you’re standing alone.
1.Stop Comparing Yourself
It is an irresistibly strong temptation to compare yourself to the person your love actually wants. Sometimes, it’s not even a crush of theirs- all they have to say is that someone is pretty or fun and you automatically start scheming on how to make them view you as prettier or more fun. You obsess over the thought that if you were just more beautiful, more intelligent, more interesting – just “more” – that they’ll finally love you like you want (no, need) them to.
The more you make these desperate attempts for their attention, the more insecure you feel because you realize that your best still isn’t good enough. Your “alpha” version doesn’t even turn their head. This may cause you to continually think about what’s so “wrong” about you and make you feel “defective” somehow. A lot of the time they don’t realize how much agony they’re constantly putting you through. This person is probably a very good person. Just remember that you are still good too.
2. Be Realistic
You suit up. Full Armor, shield, helmet – everything. You mentally prepare yourself for the most gruesome war you will probably ever fight. You rush to the battlefield but something is very, very wrong. You realize the battle has already been fought… and your side has lost.
From the beginning, unrequited love is a losing battle. If you’re going to remain in this, you need to accept that your heart will be broken daily. There’s nothing “beautiful” or “romantic” about fully investing yourself into someone that is not willing or able to do the same.
It’s not necessarily that this person is a bad person – clearly they must be wonderful or you wouldn’t be in this situation. Just know that you will constantly want more while having to accept that it’s not really an option. You’ll search for the smallest ounce of hope in the tiniest gestures, but you won’t find it.
As someone who’s been on both sides of this situation, i must admit that it tends to not end well. Sometimes the person does come around and you ride of into the sunset together and live happily ever after. However, until that happens, and for the rest of us in the other 99% of the population, it’s not so simple.
3. Distance Yourself
Not to see if the “distance makes the heart grow fonder” thing is going to work in your favor.
Take time away from this person to recenter yourself and remind yourself of your true worth. Make sure you set aside time to just be around friends and family who truly appreciate and make you feel wonderful about yourself again. Be sure to balance out all that pain with joy.
This will also help you avoid suffocating the person you desire. It’s easy to smother someone when you feel like it just takes a little more work and effort on your part for them to finally, finally want you back. But this will often make no sense to them and you may just come off as a clingy weirdo. This will be contradictory to everything you’re fighting so very hard for.
4. Move On
There. I said it. The one thing we never want to hear.
It’s absolutely necessary for your mental, physical, and especially emotional health. This is the thing we avoid with everything we have because we know it’s true. We’ve been stuck on this person for so long, it almost seems normal at this point. And we’ll come up with every excuse in the book to rationalize our way out of leaving. I mean, how could we? They’re just so very perfect and we love them so very much and we’re so very used to this hurtful,second-rate kind of relationship. Plus, there’s always this lurking feeling that tommorow will finally be the day!
But it’s time for you to make up your heart. Stop trying to convince yourself (and everyone around you) and ask the question – is this really what you want? This sick feeling in the pit of your heart? This constant back and forth, up and down?
It’s true that the longer it’s been, the harder it is. After a while you feel like it’s wrong to leave-like you deserve to get something out of this in return for all the time and effort you invested before you just leave – I mean, is this really it? I pour my whole self into this person and not only miss out on the love I wanted but I get a big bucket of heartbreak to top it all off?
Sadly, that’s the reality. I won’t lie-of course it’s going to hurt but…aren’t you hurting now? One quote that’s incredibly helpful in this situation is “Almost is never enough.”
There’s Still Hope
Don’t give up on yourself. Just because this one didn’t work out doesn’t mean the next one won’t be ten times better. Start focusing on what’s right about you again. Realize that you areenough just the way you are,right now – not the “better”, more “perfect” version of you.
You should feel liberated! You don’t constantly have to try and “fix” yourself anymore. It’s time for you to go out there and live for you again. Remember that you deserve love. And you’re going to be so surprised when you realize what being truly cherished for who you are feels like. Go ahead, love. It’s time to let go and let yourself live.