Stage 1: Euphoria
There is no better feeling in the world than this. The pizza/sub/old shoe you are gnawing on has filled a void inside of you that you never even knew existed until now. You eat blissfully in silence, because this meal is exactly what you have been craving your entire life. If there is a heaven, this food is lifting you up toward it. For now.
Stage 2: Despair
Tears may flow, for no apparent reason. You sob through them, thinking back to the beautiful beast of food you’ve just consumed..
Stage 3: Self-Loathing
You hate yourself for consuming so much food in roughly the same amount of time of Usain Bolt’s fastest sprint. Your stomach churns. You didn’t even take a Lactaid before diving into that pint of Half Baked! You weren’t even hungry!
Stage 4: Fatigue/Delusions
Your eyelids might flutter shut every few seconds or so. There is grease on your face and cheese on your foot. You can’t remember how it got there. You half-heartedly shove another piece of cheesy bread down your throat, just because you can’t believe Domino’s is still open. Now it’s time to sleep off the shame. You stumble dazedly to your dorm room and find melted ice cream in your armpit. Mumbling something about befriending a sprinkled donut, you clumsily climb into your bed and drift into sleep.
Stage 5: Acceptance
It’s over. You have given in, and it’s okay. Calories don’t count after 3 AM, right?!