When I was 11, my parents got divorced and I was (and still am,) the eldest child of four. I’m 20 now, and I still have no idea what was the reason that led to my parents’ split. It has been almost 9 years now, and there has only been a few times that I’ve seen my dad. I have to admit, I cannot imagine how life would be right now if I was under my father’s care and I need to thank my mother for this. I’m not broken, I’m over all of those. I am done crying over things that happened, although there were some things that I wished my parents knew without each other’s presence.
- Not only that I got pity stares from my cousins and relatives, I also had to continuously explain that I was alright. They kept pulling me into the corners and “advising” and “suggesting” me ways that can help to overcome my sadness and depression, just because I had younger siblings to set an example for. As much as I feel appreciated, I did not really need all those because I only needed my parents to tell me those.
- Because this “tragedy” happened while I was in primary school, I had to explain to my best friend that I do not have both parents living under the same roof and again, I had to repeat the explanation saying that I was alright.
- Despite all those times that I said I was okay, frankly I was not. There were voices in my head screaming and screeching. All I wanted to do was pull all of my hair out. I cried myself to sleep every night because of those voices, wishing that those voices were my parents singing me to sleep.
- My younger siblings did not quite know what was going on, I had to constantly lie about my parents going to work at midnight when really, they were in our apartment stairwell screaming at each other.
- When my mother cried at night, thinking that we were all asleep, I really wanted her to know that I was awake and afraid. I wanted her to know that I knew what was going on and I wanted to help.
- I wanted them to know that at times I felt that they made a terrible decision for us all, but now I want to thank them for the divorce. Life wouldn’t be as great as it is now, who knows?
- Also, I wanted Dad to know we never had a proper goodbye and I never had any memory of myself feeling like a daddy’s girl. I never had a moment that I can recall that was nice enough to conclude that “I had a good time with my father”.
- Never had I ever seen a nice view of my parents smiling and talking, and being affectionate. I wanted them to know that up till today, happy parents can only be seen on the big screens.
- While I was in my mid-teenage years, I had several panic attacks from time to time. I wanted Mum to know that it wasn’t me trying to get attention when I suddenly had to bawl at the most random times.
- Last but not least, I want them to know that it’s always nice to see them together in one room after a long time. When my late grandmother passed away, we all showed our respect and the whole family gathered to do some prayers. My father was in the house and my mother did not look mad. My siblings hugged him and I was just noticing how Mum was smiling at that. I want them to know that I saw another chance for our family to be happy again.
I’m becoming an adult and people around me keep telling me how proud they are for me for putting on a strong front of my siblings, something they cannot handle themselves. I may be one of the most immature 20-year old anybody can ever meet but I definitely know what is going on and for my parents’ divorce, which I may want to address it as the worst event that happened in my life, I want my parents to know that I am thankful for where we’ve ended up or I won’t be who I am today. Thank you Mum and Dad.