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Miley Cyrus Invented Jazz, Discovered Pizza And Wrote The Better Seasons Of ‘The Wire’

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Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com">Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com
Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com

Believe it or not, it’s been just four short months since Sony Music Entertainment released the Miley Cyrus 2G and just three months since people started complaining the media was covering her instead of real news (pop culture coverage and serious journalism being mutually exclusive, of course). In that time, we’ve heard that the artist formerly known as Montana is some kind of 21st century cyber-minstrel and that she’s the ultimate cause of sexual assault in America, but those claims are practically received wisdom compared to the weapons-grade trolling Vice published last week under the headline “Miley Cyrus is Punk as Fuck.

Apparently using the M.I.A. definition of the word (where asking for double cheese at Subway is considered super punk, brah), the article twerks out a ratchet-flavored version of the always popular “Punk rock isn’t punk rock, what’s really punk rock is JAZZ!” argument. And while there’s a connection to be made between Miley’s painful-looking tongue-jut and Sid Vicious’ carefully practiced sneer, the “Miley is punk” thesis only really works if you take “punk” to mean something approximating “mildly unruly” or “kinda disruptive.” So to continue this tradition of absurd, counterintuitive claims about America’s favorite actress/singer/critical MacGuffin, here are ten more facts about Miley Cyrus that are completely true as long as you disregard the actual meaning of words.

1. While trying to isolate a legal MDMA analogue, Miley Cyrus created the first polio vaccine by accident in 1953.

2. Often called “The Fifth Ramone,” Miley Cyrus bought Dee Dee his first drum kit and Joey his first bag of glue.

3. In its 889-page final report, the Warren Commission concluded it was Miley Cyrus and Miley Cyrus alone that let the dogs out.

4. A Miley Cyrus’ quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.

5. While no definitive proof exists, most historians trace the invention of rock and roll to a suspiciously Cyrus-like performer at Hill Valley High’s “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance on November 12th, 1955.

6. Eskimos have 50 words for “Miley Cyrus,” 100 words for “Billy Ray Cyrus” and over 300 words for “achy breaky heart.”

7. Though it later became a huge critical and commercial hit, Miley Cyrus nearly derailed early negotiations with NBC by describing Seinfeld as “a show about nothing” during a weirdly manic striptease.

8. Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus. Wow, read “Miley Cyrus” enough times and it’s like “Miley Cyrus” doesn’t even mean anything anymore, right?

9. Under the pen name “William Godwin,” Miley Cyrus published An Enquiry Concerning Political Justice in 1793, considered by many to be the first modern expression of philosophical anarchism.

10. Miley Cyrus is a genuine rebel and not just being provocative because it’s her job as a celebrity to be talked about. TC mark

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