Ghosting. I, just like any other person, just thought it meant ghost activity, involving ghosts you know. Until I figured what that term actually means, well actually I was lucky enough to experience it.
We met. We decided to keep things casual. We ended up getting attached, “I Love You’s” were said. I started to let my guards down because I trusted him. Then I woke up one day and he was gone. I called him so many times only to realize he had blocked my number, messaged him on Facebook only to see him read my message and then immediately block me on there too, and I also messaged one of his friends who didn’t even know me like a stalker only to find out that nothing was wrong with him and that he was doing completely fine and was at dinner with his friends.
So, what did I do? Why did he leave?
For weeks, I would wake up with hat feeling in my stomach, that feeling where it feels like someone has just punched the senses out of you and all you can do is sit there clenching at your chest trying to fathom what happened. I couldn’t sleep by myself, I couldn’t even take breaks at work and be alone in the break room, I couldn’t sit peacefully without the thoughts of being unwanted taking over my mind. I tried dating after that too to see if that would help. It didn’t. My dates after that were disasters, I would constantly ask the people every single day, “are we good,” “are we still talking,” to a point where I eventually drove them away.
One year later I speak to him finally. On a dating app, go figure. I ask him if we can talk and he says, “sup”, so casually. All he has to say is that “I was a coward” and “I’m sorry”. You were a coward so you ruined my outlook on love. You were a coward so you ruined my trust. You were a coward so you left me.
You were a coward so you made me realize that everyone will eventually leave me as soon as I let my guards down.
I prayed so hard that morning, I asked my God to give me strength to not let myself spiral down that path of hurt again. And out of nowhere I got this energy to just delete those messages, delete the last words that I would ever receive from you again, delete you out of my life the way you did with me.
I still think about you sometimes. Times when I feel upset and times when everyone around me is finding love while I yearn for that someday. But the thing is I only think of you in the bad times, I don’t even remember any of the good memories we had, what did you even look like again?
I haven’t lost hope. I hope to one day find someone who will fill my life with happiness and that someone will stay with me, not just for the time being but for eternity. Why? Because I deserve it. And I hope that you also one day find he greatest love of your life. I hope that love touches you immensely and leaves.
At that moment, you will truly realize what you did. At that moment is when I will accept your apology. There is a thin line between anger and forgiveness, I treaded along that line for a long time until I finally gave it up. I allow karma to do its job. I allow myself to live in peace.