To Any Love That Captivates You

I’ve never felt butterflies this way before.
I can hardly breathe around you, yet you make everything in the world seem so beautiful.
I dream.
I think.
I dream about driving you somewhere captivating, locking eyes with you as we realize how
lucky we really are.
I dream about the sweet touch of your hands on my back as you whisper words of pure love.
I’d dream about your kiss, but I think it would hurt too much.
I’d dream about what it would feel like to be snuggled against you in the dead of night, all
compact together as the world outside us rages on.
I would dream about it, but it would make me especially sad on the nights when the tears won’t
stop falling.
Sometimes I dream about seeing you with her, and of course I won’t stop myself from dreaming
that dream.
I need to see it.
You aren’t mine.

This time, I allow myself to dream about your smile pressing against mine.
How astounding it is that I can’t quite recall the first time you took my hand in yours.
You held me.
You held me on a park bench.
You held me in the middle of the street.
You held me in the room where we grew up, watching all of our friends move around us, wishing
they could understand how alone we were.
You held me in my good times.
You held me more in my bad.
The achingly obvious moment when you leaned in to kiss me will not ever be forgotten by time.
I realize how hard it was for you to say the words “I love you”
And I’m sorry I could never say them back honestly.
I’m sorry that when you left, I tried to talk to you.
I’m sorry I never could.

Once again,
The world has shown me a beauty which will never be mine.
We drive and we talk,
About how we want to get away from this boring little town,
Our shared love of country music,
How we both feel so uncomfortable around people we don’t know
well.
We ordered waters at Steak n’ Shake.
The waitress called both of us ‘baby’ and she said she liked
your hair.
You said “thank you so much!” And I laughed at how adorable you
were.
When you said you had a girlfriend, my world came crashing down.
You drove me home, even though you said you’d bring me to your
house.
If only your dad wasn’t crazy.
I wish you would kiss me.
You don’t.
The door is locked, so you climb into my window and unlock it.
You don’t make me climb.
You hug me goodbye, and I wish it was a kiss.
It isn’t.
Once again,
The world has shown me a beauty that will never be mine.