I genuinely hope you are doing well. I see snippets of your life on Instagram (and occasionally on Snapchat) and you seem to be doing fine. That is wonderful. I am happy for you.
It has been months since our fallout and we have hardly spoken ever since. It has been difficult, especially at the beginning, since we used to talk/text/take some classes almost everyday. I cannot deny that I missed your presence and, strangely, my duty towards you. But until recently, I have decided to let the missing-ness dissipate. I no longer miss you but I do wonder how you are.
I know that on separate occasions we have tried to reach out to each other but a meet up never happened. Honestly, even till today, I do not want it to happen. What do I say to? Where do I even begin bridging this lapse in time, space and emotions? What do I call you? What would my first words be? The idea of this already clogs my mind with anxiety and putrefies my senses. I feel sick. I’d rather live in this bubble of curiosity then go through with the meet-up/patch-up/thrashing-out or whatever it is called. I’m sorry, but I can’t.
It is not that I do not want things to get better. And in no way am I still angry. I’ve passed that stage. It is not that you aren’t worthy of my time and companionship (cos’ god knows I am not that special to be granted such exclusivity) but I think things are just better this way. You have found a new companion, you two get along pretty well it seems. As for me, I have found a new perspective, new challenges and new — and old — people to keep up with.
Yet, every now and then, I think of you. I think of my selfishness to keep a comfortable distance and I think that it is better this way. Wouldn’t you agree?
I guess the whole of this is for me to say, I am glad you found someone else other than me – Me, the one who couldn’t give you what you need, when you needed it. And, I would like to tell you my conscious decision to have things say the way it is. I hope you will understand.
I wish you well. For now and forever.