Suddenly, overnight, you had manifested in to this living, breathing thing that was now a part of my life, a part of my every day. I shared parts of my soul with you I tend to keep hidden and tucked away out of fear that someone might break them, they might misplace them and leave a part of me somewhere I never wanted to be. But you became that person, the one I whispered secrets to at 4 am, who I talked to every morning, and every night, just to see hear your voice change from the morning hush to your night time rasp, the one who congratulated me on my wins and comforted me on my losses and always knew the right thing to say.
Somehow, without knowing when that exact moment had taken place — you had become that person for me. I always thought it was the big, tragic, earth shattering heartbreaks that would steal your last breath and crumble your world — but I was wrong. When a tornado hits, scattering the debris of lies and betrayal across the now barren landscape that is your heart, it is also accompanied by a certain calm that can only be brought on by havoc. There is peace after the madness. The dust settles, people find the broken pieces of them selves scattered around and start to rebuild — because although you are broken, you know what needs to be done to move on, to survive after the destruction.
But you — you weren’t a tornado. You were a quiet storm I never saw coming. You didn’t break me; I have no pieces to pick up. But my heart is cracked, and the rain trickles in through each crevice like salt in a wound stinging with each moment that passes, and I can only catch my breath long enough to stay alive before being pulled back under by your wild tides. It’s a slow burn of a flickering flame and I’m just close enough to feel the heat from the damage you left behind. You shared things I told you, and that I showed you in confidence, that I have never shared with anyone…with her. You didn’t cheat, or lie, or treat me with malice, and maybe you will never understand why that is the very reason that this pain is deeper in its own way. It’s personal. The entries I write, the music I listen to, the words I fall in love with that saturate me in my most tranquil moments, are the fabric that make up who I am.
If you stripped me raw, that is all that you would be left with. I am a mere composition of the moments I’ve encountered in my life and those are the soundtrack that backdrops them.
Those aren’t just songs, and lyrics and poems and jokes — those are bandages, and scars, and memories that have a life of their own. Living and breathing inside of me.
They are what have healed me, what have pushed me forward, and what has gotten me through. You took the most secret, precious parts of my soul and you lent them to unfamiliar hands. I shared those with you because I wanted you to know me better. You missed how special that was — maybe not for you, but for me. I can handle heartbreak and tornadoes and destruction on a grand scale. What I can’t handle is being naked and uncomfortably open for strange eyes to see. You shared what was not yours to share; you unintentionally inflicted a pain that is slowly crippling me from within. You were that person for me, but she’s always been that person for you. You two share a history deep down I always knew I could never overcome, I just wish I noticed the storm clouds coming in before your lightning struck me down, and your thunder shook the ground below me.