I know you’re worried your anxiety is going to be too much of a burden for someone to take.
I know you’re worried they are going to see the side of yourself you hate the most and decide they no longer want anything to do with you.
I know you’re worried your anxiety is going to ruin every single relationship in your life, just like it has ruined so many other things in your past.
But you can’t lie to your person about your anxiety. You can’t act like you have everything together when you’re falling apart on the inside. Once you’re in a serious relationship with someone, once you share an apartment along with all your hopes and fears, you’re not going to be able to hide your anxiety from them anymore. And the right person would never ask you to do that, either. They would never want you to feel like you have to disguise pieces of yourself in order to make the relationship last. They would want you to be honest with them about the hard things. They would want you to share yourself whole, not cut yourself into the slivers you think they’d like best.
Instead of lying to your person about what you’re going through, instead of assuming your anxious habits are going to lead to the destruction of your relationship, take steps toward healing yourself. Try your hardest to better yourself. Try to get the help that you need.
Of course, your anxiety is never going to go away overnight. Even if you do all the right things, you’re not suddenly going to be cured. The journey ahead of you is going to be hard, and you aren’t always going to get it right, but the important part is that you’re trying. That you aren’t making excuses about how you can’t help but hurt people. That you aren’t letting your anxiety drive people away any longer.
Yes, you have anxiety, but you are also generous and funny and thoughtful and intelligent. You are strong and witty and open-hearted and curious. All of those qualities define you, not just anxious. Even though you might feel like you don’t have a lot to offer, anyone would be lucky to have you in their universe.
You aren’t as unlovable as you’ve been telling yourself. And you should never have to feel like you need to lie about who you are in order to find a relationship.
Of course, even when you’re honest about what you’re going through, your person isn’t going to magically make you feel okay again. They aren’t going to have the power to chase away your anxiety. But that doesn’t mean you should lie to them about it, shield them from it, protect them from it.
As much as you hate your anxiety, it’s a part of you, and the person you end up with should accept every single part of you. No exceptions. No ultimatums. They should love you exactly how you are — while still encouraging your journey to better yourself for yourself.