Even when you feel like you’ve taken steps toward healing, when you feel like you have your baggage under control, when you feel like you’ve put your trauma behind you, there are still going to be moments when your past comes back to haunt you. There are going to be moments when you feel yourself spiraling, when you feel yourself coming undone, and that’s okay. That’s normal.
As much as you want to forget about the bad things that happened to you, your toxic past is never going to go away, which is why you need to cope with what happened. You need to deal with your issues, not run from them. You need to cope with the negative emotions you have, not stuff them deep down into your chest and hope they don’t resurface later. You need to actively work toward bettering yourself because your problems won’t be solved on their own.
You can’t pretend yesterday never existed. Your toxic past doesn’t define you, but it is a part of your history. It helped shape you into who you are today. Maybe it made you stronger and more self-sufficient and more comfortable being alone. Or maybe it didn’t do anything positive for you. Maybe it made you more vulnerable and insecure and suspicious of intentions. Maybe it made you more careful about who you let into your heart and who you trust to make promises. Maybe your past broke you in some ways, but you can always glue yourself back together. You can always start over. There’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t a lost cause.
Your toxic past is never going to go away — and this isn’t something that should scare you. It’s something that should bring you comfort. It means that, the next time your worst insecurities reappear, you don’t have to worry about whether you’ve taken two steps backward. You haven’t actually lost all of the progress you’ve been making. You haven’t actually done anything wrong. Your fear is normal. Your fear is okay.
Your toxic past is never going to go away. Of course, you don’t have to tell anyone what you went through if it makes you uncomfortable. You don’t have to share your experiences with anyone aside from your therapist. But sometimes, it might help to open up to your loved ones. They might be able to understand your reactions better if you explain the reason behind them. What you went through in the past should never be an excuse for your bad behavior, but it is an explanation. It might be something you want them to know.
Your toxic past is never going to go away, but the past doesn’t matter nearly as much as the present or the future. Once you’ve faced your past, you should be placing your focus on moving forward, on creating a beautiful life for yourself. You shouldn’t let your past hold you back. You should keep looking ahead, keep taking steps forward, keep going, keep going, keep going.