When you’re in a dark place, you aren’t always able to control your mood swings. There are times when you don’t even know how you’re feeling. You can’t tell whether you want to bawl, want to scream, or want to cuddle. The only thing you’re sure about is that you want whatever this feeling is to go away. You want to feel okay again.
When you’re in a dark place, you might mistreat the people who mean the most to you. It has nothing to do with whether or not you love them. It has to do with vicinity. They’re the ones who actually give a shit about you, who are checking in on you, who are still speaking to you even when you’ve shut out the rest of the world. Since they’re the only ones around, they’re the only ones you can direct your frustration towards. You never mean to snap at them or slam doors around them, but it happens. And you regret it seconds later.
When you’re in a dark place, you have a hard time putting on your happy-go-lucky persona twenty-four seven. You might be able to keep your fake smile on long enough to work or attend a party, but once you’re back at home, the mask comes off. Unfortunately, that means strangers get to see a better side of you than the people in your own home. It means your energy is depleted by the time you hit the sofa and the only thing you want to do is listen to music and be left alone.
When you’re in a dark place, you avoid answering texts and going out for drinks and spamming social media. You lock yourself away. You drop off the face of the planet and make all your friends wonder where you’ve gone. You stop being there for them. You stop treating them the way they deserve.
When you’re in a dark place, you accidentally hurt the people you love the most. You expose them to the worst sides of yourself because you feel like you can be real around them. You feel like you can trust them. You feel like they aren’t going to abandon you, just because you happen to be in a bad place right now.
Even though they’re the last people you would ever want to hurt, they’re the easiest to hurt. They’re also the hardest to apologize to because they don’t want to hear you talk negatively about yourself. They don’t want to hear you say I’m sorry for being so annoying, I’m sorry there’s so much wrong with me, I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.
They don’t want you to feel any worse about yourself than you already do — but that doesn’t mean you should take advantage of their kindness. They deserve the best side of you. They deserve only good things. But when you’re in a bad place, it’s hard to rise to their standards. It’s hard to give them everything you believe they deserve.