I’m Sorry About Dropping Off The Face Of The Planet

I’m sorry about turning down plans (or canceling out of the blue at the last second) with shitty excuses. I know you’re probably annoyed with me. You’re probably starting to wonder whether I’m avoiding you on purpose, whether I don’t want to be your friend anymore.

I realize how bad I’ve become at keeping in touch with people. I realize I’ve probably made you feel like I couldn’t care less about spending time with you, like you don’t mean anything to me, like I’m bored of our friendship.

But that’s not the truth. I still love you. I still appreciate you. I still want you in my world. The random days where I go MIA have absolutely nothing to do with you. They have to do with me and my own mental health.

I know everyone has problems, everyone has their own stressful things to worry about, but not everyone retreats from their friends the way I have. That’s why I want to say I’m sorry for waiting so long to answer your texts on some days and completely ignoring your texts on other days. I’m sorry you’re always the one who sends the first message, the one who checks in, the one who helps our friendship survive.

I know you’re probably judging me over my absences. You’re probably thinking how hard is it to send a text back? And you’re right, sending a text isn’t that big of a deal, but when you put it on top of the millions of other things I have to do that day, it can overwhelm me. I can completely shut down because it feels like there’s too much pressure on me at once, too many expectations.

Sometimes, the tiniest task can feel like the most difficult thing in the world. Sometimes, I can’t accomplish the same things everyone else around me seems to be accomplishing with ease.

I’m sorry about dropping off the face of the planet but there are some days when I can’t bring myself to move from the couch, let alone move from the house. As much as I want to spend time with you, it isn’t always going to be an option for me.

I’m sorry about all the times you’ve caught me in little white lies about why I couldn’t hang out with you. But it’s so much easier to tell you I’m stuck at work or coming down with the flu than it is to admit my mental health has been taking a hit recently. I hope you can understand that, even if you don’t approve of that.

I’m not trying to make excuses for my bad behavior. My mental health doesn’t give me the freedom to treat you like shit. I’m not trying to be a bad friend. I’m trying to get my shit together. I’m trying to find a way to balance my social life with everything else that’s been going on with me. I’m trying to do better — but I’m sorry for everything I’ve already done wrong.