I’ve lied about my feelings more times than I can count. I’ve acted like it was no big deal when a text took an hour to reach my phone — even though I was pacing the room the entire time, wondering whether I said something wrong.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal when plans were canceled at the last second — even though I spend hours getting ready to see this person and was crushed when they decided they weren’t going to see me.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal that someone wasn’t interested in a relationship right now — even though I had my heart set on dating them and thought they felt the same way.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal to meet up for drinks at a club — even though I would have rather gone to a quiet place where we could talk and truly get to know each other.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal to get over someone I never technically dated — even though their rejection hurt as much as getting dumped.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal to set plans at the last second — even though I’m not the spontaneous type and like knowing what the day is going to hold ahead of time.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal to sleep with someone casually — even though the only kind of relationship I’m interested in is a serious, committed one.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal to watch someone who seemed interested in me flirt with someone else — even though it made my stomach toss with jealousy.
I’ve acted like it was no big deal to stay just friends with someone who I hoped to turn into my boyfriend — even though it slowly killed me inside.
I’ve lied about my feelings to come across as chill. I’ve lied about my feelings to look more desirable. I’ve lied about my feelings to avoid drama. I’ve lied about my feelings to avoid making someone else uncomfortable.
I hate mixed signals and confusion and playing games, so I don’t know why I’ve told so many white lies to impress boys. I don’t know why it’s easier to act like the person who has my heart hasn’t done anything wrong than to call him out on his bullshit. I don’t know why I haven’t been honest with boys — and with myself.
Moving forward, I’m not going to tell white lies anymore. If someone takes too long to answer my messages or bows out on our plans at the last second or flirts with someone else in front of me, I’m going to let them know they hurt my feelings. I’m going to be transparent with them. I’m going to wear my heart on my sleeve.
If they aren’t comfortable with me being blunt, if my honesty chases them away, then that’s okay. I’m done telling stupid lies to impress boys. I’m done putting aside my feelings in order to seem cooler.