We weren’t technically dating — but that doesn’t matter. You knew how I felt about you. You knew you were leading me to believe you felt the same way. You knew flirting with someone else in front of me was going to completely and utterly destroy me. And you did it anyway.
You did it, even though I was right there next to you. You did it, even though you knew it would hurt me. You did it, even though you knew it was wrong.
You only cared about yourself. You cared about your ego. You cared about how many girls you could trick into liking you at once. You cared about looking macho, looking cool, getting your horniness out of your system. You didn’t care about me. You didn’t consider the way your actions were slowly eating away at my self-confidence.
The worst part is, I let you get away with how horribly you treated me. I let you apologize. I let you bullshit your way back into my heart. I should have stood my ground, called you out on being disrespectful, and refused to waste any more of my time with you. But I chose to stay. I chose to give you another chance, and another, and another.
I realize it’s partially my own fault, but fuck you for making me feel like nothing. Fuck you for making me wonder whether you liked some other girl more than me, whether you would rather have her, whether there was something I lacked that she had, or whether we were all interchangeable to you.
I wish I would have walked away from you the first time you flirted with someone else right in front of my face — but I went in the complete opposite direction. I tried my hardest to capture your attention. I spent hours on my hair, my makeup, my eyebrows. I wore clothes based on what I thought you would like best. I did everything I could to get you to like me, to chose me, to prefer me.
Fuck you for making me feel like I was stuck in some kind of competition — and was losing. Fuck you for making me fight for your attention, for making me feel like I was doing something wrong, for making me question my own value. Fuck you for using my feelings against me. Just because you knew you could get away with treating me like shit and I would stay, didn’t mean you had to actually do it.
I wish you would have handled the situation differently — but I wish I handled it differently too. I wish I hadn’t let you get away with treating me like a backup plan. I wish I would have called you out. I wish I would have stood up for myself. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time on someone who refused to commit to me, even though I did everything in my power to make you see my inner worth.