There are times when my fear of abandonment makes me appear overly clingy. I will have sex with someone in the hopes of keeping them around for longer. I will spend hundreds of dollars on presents to show someone how much they matter to me. I will revolve my world around this other person, hoping they will stay when they realize how much I am willing to sacrifice for them.
My fear of abandonment makes me too jealous for my own good. I have separation anxiety. If my person travels across the country for a business trip or takes a family vacation without me, I will start flipping through the worst case scenarios in my mind. I will worry they are secretly meeting up with someone else in a hotel room. I will worry they are going to forget about me while they are away. I will worry they are never going to come back — or when they come back, they will act completely different than before they were gone.
My fear of abandonment convinces me to move on quickly. I always need someone to occupy my time, someone to occupy my heart. I am not good at being alone. I get attached to other people easily. They could look at me for a second too long, hold the door open for me, or compliment me on my outfit and I will immediately become attached. It does not take much to win me over. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.
My fear of abandonment stems from deep insecurities. I am way too hard on myself. I criticize every little thing I see in the mirror, every little interaction I have with another human being. The voice in the back of my head spends every waking minute insulting me. That is why my standards can accidentally drop a little low. I feel like I’m unworthy of love, so whenever someone shows their love for me, I get excited. I latch onto them, even if they are toxic, even if they do not deserve my attention.
Even though my fear of abandonment can make me appear clingy, there are other times when it makes me appear heartless. Deep down, I am afraid of commitment. Even though I fall for others easily, it takes me a long time to trust them completely. The truth is, I’m not sure if I am capable of trusting completely.
Sometimes, my fear of abandonment makes me push away friends and family and significant others. When we get into a minor argument or start growing distant, I get paranoid. I start worrying they are going to leave me, so I leave them first to save myself the heartache. It is slightly easier to walk away than to stick around and wait to be left behind.
My fear of abandonment makes it hard for me to maintain a strong, successful relationship. It makes it hard for me to trust. It makes it hard for me to believe love is everlasting.