A Sorry Does Not Change Anything Between Us

A Sorry Does Not Change Anything Between Us

sorry doesn’t take back the nights you came stumbling home at three in the morning with liquor dripping from your pores.

sorry doesn’t take back the lies you told while looking me directly in the eyes without a stutter in your sentence.

sorry doesn’t take back the baggage you dropped onto my shoulders when I was much too young.

I’m happy you are able to self-reflect, to see the pain you have caused. I’m happy you are putting in the effort to change your life. I’m happy you are trying to better yourself. 

But an apology is not going to make everything you did to me okay. It is not going to erase the pain you inflicted upon me. It is not going to stop the nightmares, the flashbacks, the ongoing fear.

An apology is nice — but it does not mean you get to walk right back into my world. It does not mean you get absolved of your sins.

It’s insulting for you to think a ten-minute apology makes up for the trauma you put me through for years.

It sucks you feel guilty. It sucks you have lost sleep over this mess. But honestly, you should feel guilty. You should lose sleep. You should feel horrible for what you’ve done.

sorry does not take back the nights I woke up crying into my pillowcase or screaming at shadows. A sorry doesn’t take back the nasty things you texted me, things I have to carry around with me forever but you cannot even remember saying because you blacked out.

If you were allowed to treat me like shit for months, I’m allowed to ignore your messages. I’m allowed to block your number. I’m allowed to disregard your apology.

I don’t care if you mean every word. Those words are meaningless. Those words are coming way too late.

You can keep saying you never meant to hurt me but you did. You can keep saying I hate the way things ended between us because I do too. You can keep justifying your actions — or you can admit you were in the wrong the entire time — but it doesn’t make a difference to me.

I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be involved with any more drama with you. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to deal with you.

I want to move on. I want to put what you have done behind me — which has been impossible at times, but I am trying. I am trying to forget you. I am trying to take care of my mental health. I am trying to heal.

If you are serious about how bad you feel for what you put me through over the course of our relationship, the best thing you can do is leave me the hell alone. I’m never going to forgive you. But maybe, if you spend enough time chipping away at your toxicity, you can forgive yourself. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Holly Riordan

Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.