I am over you. I am done with you. I am not going to chase after you anymore.
But sometimes, you pop into my mind. Sometimes, I realize how much I miss talking to you. Sometimes, I am tempted to send you a text.
When I am sober, I never follow through on the idea. I resist the urge. I distract myself. I remind myself you are not a good idea.
The last time I let myself get invested in you, you sent mixed signals. You took too long to answer messages. You cancelled plans. You broke my heart. I am not going to put myself through the hassle of loving you a second time.
We would make a horrible couple, anyway. We would never work. You are not the right one for me. I have accepted that. I am okay with that.
We are better off without each other, which is why there is no reason to get into the habit of talking to you again. Whenever the idea of texting you enters my mind, I toss it away.
Except when I am drunk.
When there are are a few drinks in me, talking to you doesn’t seem like such a bad idea anymore. It doesn’t seem like a mistake. It seems like no big deal. It seems like something I should consider.
When I am drunk, my self-control goes out the window. I will tell you how I actually feel. I will let down my guard. I will be honest about the things sober-me is too scared to admit.
When I am drunk, I say screw it. I decide that if hearing from you is what will make me happiest in that moment, I am going to do it.
When I am drunk, the part of my brain that overthinks turns off. I don’t wonder what you will say. I don’t even wonder what I should say. I just spit it out. I type. I press send. It’s that simple.
When I am drunk, I don’t care about the repercussions. I don’t care what will happen tomorrow. I only care about the moment. I only care about getting at least a little bit of attention from you.
The next morning, I will hate myself for reaching out to you. I won’t even want to look at my phone. I won’t want to catch a glimpse of our messages.
I will avoid looking at my texts because I do not want to know what we said to each other. I do not want to see how desperate, how awkward, how embarrassing drunk-me was. I will try to pretend our conversation never happened. I will erase it from my mind.
When I’m sober, you’re not going to hear from me. The logical part of my brain is going to warn me it’s a bad idea. My common sense is going to remind me how much you’ve hurt me in the past.
But you might hear from me the next time I get drunk.