I Dated Him Because I Didn’t Think I Had A Chance With You

I Dated Him Because I Didn’t Think I Had A Chance With You

I liked you. You liked me. We should have dated — but we lost our chance because we sent mixed signals on accident.

We danced around our feelings instead of blurting them out. We had endless chances to admit how much we wanted each other — but we never took the bait. We hinted about our attraction. We dropped subtle compliments. We made innuendos and laughed them off as jokes.

Our chemistry was undeniable. It should have been obvious how we felt about each other, but you are as insecure as me. I thought you were out of my league and you thought you were out of mine.

I trained myself not to get my hopes up. Whenever you flirted with me, I made excuses for you. You were only flirting to pass the time. You were bored. You were lonely. You liked me a little bit but not enough to become my boyfriend, not enough to agree to a date. 

You were the only one I wanted to invite into my bedroom. You were at the top of my list. You were the name in my head when I woke up. You were the name I crossed my fingers for with every text notification.

I only dated him because I didn’t think I had a chance with you. I wanted to get over you. I wanted to stop thinking about you.

I had no idea you felt the same way about me. I had no idea dating him would hurt you.

Naturally, you took the change in my relationship status the wrong way. You took it as a sign I was never interested in you in the first place. You took it as a sign to give up on me. You took it as a sign to walk away forever.

My new relationship created a destructive cycle between us. I dated someone. You dated someone. I wanted you, but assumed you didn’t want me. You wanted me, but assumed I didn’t want you. We made constant assumptions instead of actually sitting down and talking about our feelings.

We had such bad timing — but the bad timing isn’t to blame. We are to blame. We should have communicated better. We should have been honest about our attraction. We should have gotten together when we had the chance.

If we would have been more open with each other, maybe we would be together right now. Maybe we would have found a way to make our love story last. Maybe we wouldn’t be counting the what ifs.

We lost out on a relationship because we were stubborn. We were scared. We raised our guards. We refused to let each other inside. We decided it was easier to stuff our feelings down our chests, to pretend not to mean anything to each other, than to face the truth. We lied through our teeth and now we are paying the price for it.

We should be in a relationship right now — but because of our crappy choices, we are strangers again. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.

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