Even though you have already left this world, I’m not ready to say goodbye to you. My throat has been too clogged to say all of the right words. My head has been too foggy to think of what the right words even are.
I know it’s time for me to make peace with what happened to you, I know I am supposed to be on a path toward closure, but I am not ready to say goodbye to you. It hurts too much. I cannot let go. I cannot accept you are gone.
I’m not ready to say goodbye to you — so I’m not going to say goodbye.
I’m not going to pretend you are out of my life for good because that is not the whole truth. I might not be able to hear your voice float over the phone or holler my name from the other room. I might not be able to knock on your front door or feel your arms encircle me in an embrace. But you are never going to be gone. Pieces of you are always going to be hidden inside of me.
There are pieces of you inside of my heart, reminding me to love myself, to respect myself, to stop being so damn hard on myself.
There are pieces of you inside my soul, reminding me to follow my passions, to leave my comfort zones, to build a life that empowers and enlightens me.
There are pieces of you inside my mind, reminding me to listen to my common sense, to remember actions have consequences, to think my options through before jumping into action.
There are pieces of you inside my gut, reminding me to listen to instinct, to do what is right, to fight for the things I believe in.
There are pieces of you inside my lungs, reminding me to relax, to slow down, to appreciate every breath taken.
There are pieces of you inside my spine, reminding me to have a backbone, to speak my mind, to assert myself instead of allowing others to walk over me.
You have shaped me into the person I am today. You helped teach me about the meaning of strength and vulnerability, about hard work and empathy. You were a mentor, though I never realized it at the time.
Even though you are gone now, even though I cannot turn to you for advice anymore, you are still guiding me through this world from afar. There are pieces of you swimming around my subconscious, pieces I am not even able to see, but they are there. You are there. You are never leaving my side. You are never leaving me alone.
Even though you are no longer going to be in my physical presence, I am not going to say goodbye to you because you are never getting erased from my memories and you are never getting ripped from my bones. You are always going to be even closer than I realize.