I am a skeptic at heart. I am always expecting the worst outcome. Even when everything is going fine, I will have imaginary arguments in my head until I am fully convinced my world is about to fall down around me.
I have been hurt an unreasonable amount of times. Every time I put my trust in someone, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I have learned not to rely on anyone. I have learned not to blindly believe promises. I have learned to question everything, to doubt everything, to destroy everything.
It does not matter how many times you repeat those three little words. It does not matter whether you pledge your loyalty to me with a ring. I will never trust you. I will always keep a lookout for signs you are itching to leave, signs you are not fully happy in our relationship. I will expect you to grow tired of me eventually. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually.
I am careful about letting down my guard. I only half-invest in relationships because I do not want to be destroyed when they end. I protect myself by distancing myself. I continually remind myself forever is a myth. I do not get too attached to anyone. I temper my expectations.
Even though there are good people in this world, most of them are selfish. They are liars. They are cheats. They only look out for themselves. They get bored easily and want to trade their old lives for something new.
I have had my heart pummeled too many times to believe in happily ever afters. Everything ends. Everything crumbles. That is what my paranoia tells me. That is what I believe.
Maybe I am too broken to see clearly. Maybe my past has given me a warped view on love. Maybe it is wrong of me to assume the worst.
But maybe not. Maybe I am right to keep my walls up high. Maybe I am doing the right thing by wrapping barbed wire around my heart. Maybe being extra cautious does not hurt.
Whether I am right or wrong, I cannot change the way my mind works. I cannot force myself to stop being so suspicious, so cautious, so scared. I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. I have a fear of commitment and a fear of falling in love.
Relationships would be easier without constant anxiety about getting my heart broken, but calming down is not possible for me. I am a nervous wreck. I am ready to get my heart shattered once again.
I will never trust you. I will look over your shoulder at text messages. I will stalk your likes on social media. I will ask you whether you think other girls are prettier than me. I will hear myself acting crazy and will not be able to help myself.
I will never trust you, because I will never understand why you would settle for someone like me.