I’ve come to a crossroads. I’m not sure whether I am supposed to forgive you for everything you have put me through in order to give myself closure and a permanent sense of peace — or whether I am supposed to ignore your calls, ignore your messages, ignore your existence.
I want nothing to do with you. I never want to hear your voice again, even if you are going to give an apology. I never want to see your face again, even if it is lined with regret. I never want to put myself in a position where you can hurt me, even if you swear you are not going to repeat your past mistakes.
The thought of you makes me sick. It triggers tears and a stomachache.
It would be easier to live without you than to confront the baggage you brought me. It would be easier to block your calls than to muster up the courage to talk to you. It would be easier to pretend you never existed in the first place than admit how much I miss you. And that is exactly what I have done.
I told myself ignoring you was for the best. I told myself I was doing the right thing. Most of the time, I still feel that way. Without you around, there is a weight lifted from my chest. I feel more comfortable than I have in a long time.
Besides, you were the one who screwed up. You were the one who hurt me. You cannot blame me for leaving when you pushed and pushed until I could not take it anymore. You could have set things right a long time ago, but you never did. You continued down a destructive path. That was your decision. That had nothing to do with me. There is no reason for me to feel guilty for walking away from such a toxic situation. There is no good, sensible reason for me to talk to you again.
Of course, my heart does not listen to reason. Even though you put me through hell, there are some days when I am tempted to reach out to you. On those days, I wonder whether it is unhealthy to pretend you never mattered to me. I could never trust you again, but could I talk to you again? Could I find peace with what happened between us?
I wish I could take my heart out of the equation. I wish I could erase the good times we shared. I wish I could force myself to stop caring about you for real instead of pretending not to care.
I don’t want to make a decision I end up regretting — but I’m not sure which path is the one that will lead to regret. Will I regret letting you back into my world? Will I regret it even more if you die without making up with me? Or am I screwed either way?
Most of the time, I know exactly what I want, but this time I have absolutely no idea.