I wish I was the kind of person who could go with the flow. I wish I was laidback. I wish I was chill. But those words are never going to describe me.
I can’t send a text without overthinking. It takes me twenty minutes to compose a message that should have taken two seconds. I will brainstorm ideas, write sample sentences in the notes app on my phone so the other person does not see three dots appearing and disappearing for large chunks of time, and then wonder whether I should have said something completely different the second I press send. Conversations are not any easier on me through text than over the phone or face-to-face. I struggle regardless. I am awkward, no matter what the situation entails.
I can’t leave the house without overthinking. Every time someone glances in my direction, I will wonder if they are judging me. I will analyze their smiles and their stares, trying to work out whether they are acting friendly towards me or making fun of me. When strangers laugh, I wonder whether they are laughing at me.
I can’t look in the mirror without overthinking. I will try on twenty different combinations of shirts and jeans and still won’t be able to pick one I find acceptable. I second guess everything I do, from the way I style my hair to the shoes I slip onto my feet. It takes me at least an hour to get ready to leave the house because I could never throw on the first thing I found. I could never walk out of the front door without makeup applied. I could never act so carefree.
I can’t make a decision without overthinking — even if that decision is small. I will struggle to choose which snack to steal from the fridge in the middle of the night. I will go back and forth between what music I want to play. I will have no idea what to say when someone asks me to pick the restaurant or the time to meet up.
I can’t go through my day without overthinking and my storm of thoughts are slowly driving me insane. They are making my days much harder than they need to be.
I am never able to enjoy the moment because I am either worrying about something that happened to me in the past or something that might happen to me in the future. I am never locked into the present. But that is going to change.
Moving forward, I am going to try my best to act more adventurous. I am going to stop worrying so deeply. I am going to become more comfortable with the unknown.
Making such a large adjustment is not going to be easy. I am sure to stumble and have setbacks along the way, but I am not going to give up on myself. Changing my mindset is worth the effort. It is worth the energy. Besides, every baby step counts.