I’m a big advocate for never getting back together with your ex. You broke up for a reason. You decided to call it quits instead of putting in the effort to make things work. You lost your chance at happily ever after. You proved you are better off without each other and should both concentrate more on getting closure and less about getting back into each other’s good graces.
Even though I genuinely take those statements as fact, even though I advise all of my friends to move forward without sparing a glance behind, the love of my life — the man I bought a house with and plan on marrying — happens to be the same man who broke my heart months after we met.
Technically, he was never an ex. He was a friend with benefits. He was my first kiss, the first one to hold my hand, the first one to call me beautiful, the one who took my virginity and stole my heart along with it. I met his parents and he met mine, we texted nonstop, we shared secrets… But then he slapped me with the line I’ve heard from multiple mouths since his: I’m not looking for a relationship right now. His heart was still broken from another so he decided to break mine.
When we parted ways, I cried over him for a few months, I hated myself for not being good enough and I hated myself for allowing a boy to make me feel that way.
But then I moved the fuck on with my life. I didn’t waste years mooning over him. I didn’t whine to my friends about how I had lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I kissed other lips. I spent some time single and some time in other relationships. I went out with friends. I drank to have fun, not for the purpose of forgetting him. I still had feelings for him, sure, but they did not hold me back. I was able to live a full life without him. I was able to say I am happy without him.
When he made it clear he wanted to get back together, to do it right this time, to be my official boyfriend and create a life together, I didn’t jump at the opportunity. I didn’t run right straight into his embrace. I didn’t automatically give him the second chance he was hoping for.
I thought the decision through. I weighed the pros and cons. Most importantly, I talked to him about why he wanted me again, what his expectations were moving forward, and how he imagined our relationship progressing. I made sure getting back together with him was a good move instead of listening to instinct and accepting him with open arms.
If you are thinking about getting back together with your ex, stop for a minute. Make sure your head, your heart, and your gut are all in agreement. Make sure you are not giving this person permission to break your heart twice. Make sure they are worth the trouble.
If they won’t answer the questions you have about your future together, they aren’t serious enough about you. If they act like you are making the situation overly complicated or waiting too long to make a decision, they don’t want you enough.
If they are serious about committing to you, they will be emotionally mature enough to sit down and talk. They will give you the answers you deserve.
If you are going to get back together with your ex, make sure you both have grown during your time apart. Make sure the reason you broke up is not going to be an issue again in the future. Make sure you are reuniting because it is what you both want, not because you couldn’t find anyone better and are ready to settle before you get too old and rickety. Make sure this person really is your person.