I am self-conscious. I am insecure. There are a million things I would love to change about myself and instead of complaining about them, I am working on changing them.
I have been trying to break my bad habits. I have been reaching outside of my comfort zone as often as possible. I have been saying nice things about myself into the mirror and smiling at strangers. I have been dedicating more time and energy into my self-growth than I ever have before.
Instead of hating myself for what I have done in the past, I have been looking at the mistakes I have made as learning experiences, as warnings to choose a different path the next time. I have been doing my best to ignore the ghosts from my past and focus on what is waiting for me in my future.
Lately, I am being kinder to myself and I am being kinder to others. I am training myself to think positive. I am pushing away my worst scenario thoughts and seeing the silver lining.
I am on a journey of enhancement. I am trying desperately to become a better person — but there have been speed bumps along the way.
Even though I have been trying my hardest to do the right thing, there are days when I feel like I am failing miserably. There are days when I wonder whether there is something deeply wrong with me, whether there is no fixing what is broken inside me.
I hold onto hope as hard as I can, but there are still moments when I lose my grip. Moments when I feel hopeless. Moments when I am tempted to give up on myself, to accept this is the way I am and there is no cure.
However, I cannot let those days, those doubts, those fears get me down. Even when I feel like I have tumbled back a few steps, I cannot let those setbacks prevent me from trying again, from getting back up and getting my shit back together.
I do not have to make the same mistakes tomorrow as I made yesterday. I do not have to repeat history. Messing up once does not negate all of the hard work I have put in during the days leading up to my error.
I am allowed to screw up once in a while. I am allowed to do the wrong thing. I am allowed to be disappointed in myself.
In fact, it is actually a good thing if I am disappointed in myself because that means my morals are still in line. That means I know what kind of person I want to be. That means I can push myself to do better in the future.
Even though there are moments of weakness when I wonder if trying to improve myself is pointless, I know I can become a better person. I just have to keep trying. I can never give up on myself even if it feels like everyone else already has.