I like being alone. The quiet comforts me. I would rather hear silence than the rumbling of a crowd. I would rather sit comfortably on my couch and read a book than spend an hour getting dressed to leave the house.
I am not a social person. I have trouble in conversations. I never know the right thing to say. I stumble over my words. I turn every situation awkward. Making eye contact is a struggle for me. I am happiest in small groups — or when I am completely on my own. I don’t like the pressure of being in front of people. I don’t like faking smiles and acting on.
I am an introvert. I like my own company. I smile my most genuine smiles when I am by myself. After all, I cannot stand most people. They only bring disappointment and stress. They make my days worse instead of better. I flourish on my own and flounder in groups. It has always been that way. I cannot imagine it ever changing.
I consider myself independent. I can take care of myself. I can reach success without a hand there to guide me. I don’t need to rely on anyone else to bring me happiness. I can create it on my own.
Even though I like being alone, at the same time, I hate being alone. I hate having a million things to say but no one to listen to me say them. I hate seeing posts about concerts and events I am dying to attend but having no one to drag along with me. I hate being cooped up in my house all day long because no one is around to convince me to go out.
I hate how small my circle of friends is. I hate how infrequently they reach out for conversations. I hate the small amount of notifications that fill my phone. I hate feeling like there is not a soul in this world who considers me a priority.
I hate wasting the weekends of my youth. I hate missing out on all of the things people my age are supposed to be doing. I hate feeling like every single day is a repeat of the last because my schedule never changes. No one invites me out. No one sets plans with me. No one wants me around.
Sometimes it feels like I don’t have anyone at all — and I’m not sure how to change that for the better. I’m afraid of going to the movies on my own. Afraid of initiating conversations with strangers. Afraid of attempting to make friends and failing miserably.
Even though there are moments when I want to lock myself away and avoid any form of human interaction, there are other moments when all I want to do is have fun with friends, go out and meet new people, actually live my life.
I have a love-hate relationship with my loneliness. Sometimes it saves me. And sometimes it suffocates me.