I’m not stubborn enough to say, “I don’t need anyone,” even though there’s some truth to the statement. There are friends who have listened to me vent and family members I have leaned on during my toughest times — and I appreciate every single thing they have done for me — but at the end of the day, I saved myself.
I might have spent weeks beneath the covers in my bedroom, feeling like the world was better turning without me, but I eventually chose to toss those covers from my chest and plant my feet against the floor. That was my decision. I could have kept sleeping. I could have given up on myself, but instead, I saved myself.
There were loved ones who pushed me in the right direction, but I never had to listen to them. I always had a choice. I can never forget that. I cannot underplay my own strength.
I am courageous. I am resilient. I deserve more credit than I have been giving myself. I need to stop looking in the mirror and feeling like a failure for the rough days that keep replaying in my mind and for the baggage I am still struggling to loosen from my shoulders.
Instead, I have to pat myself on the back for making it this far. There were moments when I wasn’t sure if I could make it through the day but I made it through that one and the next and the next.
I made it here. I might be bruised, but I made it here.
Even though the voice in the back of my head insists on criticizing me, I have more reasons to be proud of myself than to be ashamed. I survived my most challenging moments. I stepped through the hellfire. I saved myself.
I got myself up in the morning, I walked myself to the shower, I combed my hair, I lived my life. Those might sound like little things but they are big to me. They mean I am still willing to try. They represent persistence.
No matter what hardships the future throws in front of my path, I am going to remember I saved myself. I am going to repeat that phrase again and again in my mind to renew my strength, to remind me how badass I have always been.
If there is ever a repeat in history, if I fall back into the old feeling of hopelessness, it might take me a while to emerge again but it will happen.
If everything in my world collapses at once, I might wonder whether there is any point in rebuilding, but I will end up doing what I have done before. Gathering my strength and fighting through the worst times to make it back to the better ones.
If an ex breaks my heart or a family member abandons me, I might stumble, but I will ultimately be okay because I never needed them in the first place. I never needed anyone else to save me.
I can save myself.