I Saved Myself

I’m not stubborn enough to say, “I don’t need anyone,” even though there’s some truth to the statement. There are friends who have listened to me vent and family members I have leaned on during my toughest times — and I appreciate every single thing they have done for me — but at the end of the day, I saved myself.

I might have spent weeks beneath the covers in my bedroom, feeling like the world was better turning without me, but I eventually chose to toss those covers from my chest and plant my feet against the floor. That was my decision. I could have kept sleeping. I could have given up on myself, but instead, I saved myself.

There were loved ones who pushed me in the right direction, but I never had to listen to them. I always had a choice. I can never forget that. I cannot underplay my own strength.

I am courageous. I am resilient. I deserve more credit than I have been giving myself. I need to stop looking in the mirror and feeling like a failure for the rough days that keep replaying in my mind and for the baggage I am still struggling to loosen from my shoulders.

Instead, I have to pat myself on the back for making it this far. There were moments when I wasn’t sure if I could make it through the day but I made it through that one and the next and the next.

I made it here. I might be bruised, but I made it here.

Even though the voice in the back of my head insists on criticizing me, I have more reasons to be proud of myself than to be ashamed. I survived my most challenging moments. I stepped through the hellfire. I saved myself.

I got myself up in the morning, I walked myself to the shower, I combed my hair, I lived my life. Those might sound like little things but they are big to me. They mean I am still willing to try. They represent persistence.

No matter what hardships the future throws in front of my path, I am going to remember I saved myself. I am going to repeat that phrase again and again in my mind to renew my strength, to remind me how badass I have always been.

If there is ever a repeat in history, if I fall back into the old feeling of hopelessness, it might take me a while to emerge again but it will happen.

If everything in my world collapses at once, I might wonder whether there is any point in rebuilding, but I will end up doing what I have done before. Gathering my strength and fighting through the worst times to make it back to the better ones.

If an ex breaks my heart or a family member abandons me, I might stumble, but I will ultimately be okay because I never needed them in the first place. I never needed anyone else to save me.

I can save myself.