I’m not alone in the world. There are people who care about me. People who claim they love me and want what is best for me.
I have friends who will listen to my rants. I have friends who will listen to my gossip. I have friends who give me details about their crushes and almosts and first dates. I have friends who come to me when they are upset and need advice. I have friends who will recommend books and discuss television shows.
I have friends who keep in touch with me, friends who are updated on what is going on in my world, friends who know me pretty well.
Even though I consider them my friends, it’s rare for me to see any of them in person. We never make plans to hang out. Even when there is a weekend we could see each other, it never ends up happening. All of my requests to hang out are denied. Our friendship only exists over the phone.
When I need to talk to someone, I always have someone to turn to, someone who will have my back. But when I need someone to see a concert with me or grab dinner with me or keep me company on a lazy afternoon, I have no one. I’m always alone. I’m never hanging out with friends. They are always busy doing something else with someone else.
I feel like it’s a lie for me to say I have no friends because there are people I text and wish happy birthday each year — but I want more than that. I want the kind of friends who will go out with me on weekends. Friends who will drive over to my house after their shift ends to play games and drink wine. Friends who will meet up with me at the bookstore or the gym so we can chat in person. Friends who will do more than like my selfies and update me on their love lives over snapchat.
I want friends who will be there for me, face-to-face, instead of friends who tell me how much they miss me while keeping their distance. I realize everyone is busy now that we are older. I understand that work comes first and schedules can be hard to align. I know things change as the years change.
I just wish there were more people willing to hang out with me. I wish there weren’t so many events I had to miss because no one was available to come with me and I felt too awkward going alone.
Even though I technically have friends, I spend most of my weekends inside. I never hang out with anyone. I’m always by myself. It’s not always their fault. Some of them live too far away to visit. Some of them have careers and families which need to come first. But it still sucks.
I need more than texting friends. I need friends who will come over. I need friends who will go out. I need friends who make me feel less alone.