Chasing him would be stupid.
Chasing him would be a mistake.
Chasing him would be the worst decision I could make.
But I am going to do it anyway.
Whenever I develop feelings for someone, common sense flies out the window. I have no self-control. I listen to the pull of my heart over whatever warnings are flashing in my brain.
I am not good at controlling myself. Temptation always gets the best of me.
When I want something, I cannot stop thinking about what it would feel like to win. I cannot rest until I have either gotten what I wanted or completely embarrassed myself while trying.
I might come across as stupid and spontaneous, but I know what I am doing. Half of the time, I realize sending a certain text or showing up at a certain place is a bad idea, but I do it anyway.
When it comes to keeping my dignity, I have a poor track record. I keep making promises to myself that get broken a few days (or maybe even hours) later. I tell myself I won’t try to get back together with my ex and then I end up at his apartment. I tell myself I won’t bother with the guy who keeps ignoring my messages and then I send him another text anyway. I tell myself I won’t let myself get hurt again and then I put myself in a position to have my heart shattered.
I always end up disappointing myself. I end up doing the wrong thing, even though I know it’s wrong.
Then again, there’s another part of me that doesn’t regret chasing after what I want. Even if I end up making a fool of myself, at least I tried. I would rather know whether or not someone is interested in me for sure than guess, even if that means getting rejected face-to-face. I would rather see what happens when I get involved with someone I think is cute than spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I had made a different choice.
Maybe it’s okay to chase after what I want, even though there is a high chance things aren’t going to turn out the way I hope. Maybe it’s okay to take a leap of faith and find out what happens. Maybe it’s okay to discover something I want and admit it’s what I want.
I know there is a chance my heart is going to get broken if I resume my chase. This time probably won’t be any different than the last time I got hurt. I’m not living in some fantasy land where heartbreak is an impossibility. I realize chasing him is the last thing I should do. Chasing him is certain to end in disaster. Chasing him is a stupid decision.
But I am going to do it anyway. I don’t know how to stop myself. I don’t even know if I want to.