I spend most nights alone, because my childhood friends have moved across the country, grown distant, and forgotten about me. I might be friendly enough with a few people to chat with them when we run into each other and text them casually on weekends, but we’re not friendly enough to actually hang out together.
Whenever there is a movie I want to watch or an event I want to attend, I never end up going, because I don’t have anyone to ask. I end up staying inside instead and moping about how everything would be better without my anxiety. I would be more outgoing. I would have more friends. I would have an actual social life.
Without my anxiety, I might not care about seeing a movie alone. I might have the energy to introduce myself to people my age at bars. I might make more plans on weekends. I might not feel so alone all the time.
I am sick of complaining about my social awkwardness. I want to change my life. I am willing to put in the effort.
I’m just not sure what I am supposed to do. I don’t know where to meet people now that I’m older.
I understand that I cannot make friends by sitting inside my empty bedroom. I should be going out to clubs, concerts, restaurants, cities — but that is never going to happen because I have no one who will come with me and I don’t want to go out by myself.
I feel like I’m trapped. I feel like I’m never going to find anyone who wants to waste time with me.
I could always try to make friends at work or while grocery shopping, but even if I find the courage to strike up a conversation with a stranger, I never know how to take the next step. I am too awkward to ask them for their phone number. I could find them and add them on social media, but I will never feel confident enough to message them and ask if they want to grab drinks together.
I feel like everyone already has a set group of friends. They are not looking for more. They will think I’m weird if I try to include myself in their plans.
Sometimes, it feels impossible to make friends with anxiety. I never have any plans — and even if someone invites me out unexpectedly, then I will probably end up canceling on them anyway. I will probably back out at the last second because I’m too nervous to go.
I wish my anxiety wasn’t holding me back from creating strong friendships. I wish my anxiety would leave me alone so I could be happy for once.
Even though I keep getting frustrated about my lack of a social life, I am trying to remind myself that other people suffer from anxiety too. They need friends too. I am not alone. I can find a group of people who understand me. I can find a group of people who want me around. I just have to keep looking.