I never meant to hurt you but I met you during a time in my life when I was feeling incredibly insecure. I was suffering from trust issues and abandonment issues and body issues. I didn’t like myself and had trouble accepting that you liked me.
I couldn’t imagine being the object of someone’s affection, the person they thought about in the morning and waited all day to text. I convinced myself that you would grow bored of me once you got to know me better. I thought you only liked me because you didn’t know the real me. Either that or you were playing some kind of sick joke on me and only acting like you were interested.
I never meant to hurt you but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was blinded by my insecurities. I was busy focusing on the worst case scenarios. I was worried about getting hurt again so I decided to walk away from you before you had the chance to walk away from me.
I didn’t keep my distance from you because I hated you. I kept my distance because I hated myself. I didn’t think I deserved your attention. Even if we ended up in a serious relationship, I thought I would eventually ruin things. I would say the wrong thing. I would do the wrong thing. I would push you away. I couldn’t imagine us lasting.
I never meant to hurt you but I had grown so used to hurting myself that I didn’t think twice about breaking your heart. To be fair, at the time I never thought I was breaking your heart. I didn’t think anyone cared that much about me. I thought walking away from you would be a relief. I thought you would be happy because it would give you the chance to pursue someone better, someone on your own level.
That is why I never felt guilty about ignoring texts or canceling plans or going missing in action. I assumed you would barely notice I was gone. I assumed my attention didn’t make much of a difference to you. I thought that little of myself. I had no self-worth. I had no idea that you meant it when you said you cared about me, that I was actually capable of causing you pain.
I never meant to hurt you, but that doesn’t really matter. I still did what I did. No one else is to blame. Not the exes who gave me baggage I am still struggling to handle. Not the insecurities that made me feel like I was never going to find love. I made my own decisions and I am going to take responsibility for my actions.
You have every right to be angry with me. I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. I would completely understand if you wanted to be the one to walk away this time.
I never meant to hurt you, but I can’t change the past. The best I can do is say I’m sorry.