I’m Slowly Learning I Would Rather Act Clingy Than Heartless

I am slowly learning I would rather act clingy than heartless. I would rather be the person who sends a text too quickly and looks desperate than the person who keeps you waiting for days on end until you feel like complete shit. I would rather be the person who asks you to hang out and has a good time with you than the person who pretends to be too busy for you even though you are the only thing I have been thinking about.

I would rather be authentic than fake. I would rather be the weird girl than the chill girl.

I am slowly learning there is nothing wrong with caring more. My emotions should not be shuttered within my chest out of fear of seeming sensitive. Sensitivity is not a fault. It is nothing for me to be ashamed about. I am proud of how loudly my heart beats. I am happy to be the kind of woman who actually gives a shit about other people instead of focusing on my own selfish desires.

I am slowly learning to embrace my soft heart. I am not going to hold back compliments out of fear of seeming clingy — because that compliment could make their entire week. I am not going to hesitate to let anyone know how I feel about them — because my words might be exactly what they need that day.

I am slowly learning to feel without restraint. I am allowed to miss someone. I am allowed to love someone. I am allowed to experience a rainbow of emotions. That does not make me weak or overemotional. It makes me human. It makes me brave enough to take off my mask. My openness should be applauded, not criticized.

I am slowly learning to stop acting heartless and distant in order to ‘protect myself’ because it is a flawed plan. Even if I push away the people who matter the most to me, they are still going to be on my mind. I am not dodging the pain. I am provoking the pain. There is no sense in pretending not to care about someone because I can erase them from my phone and social media, but not from my memories and mind.

I am slowly learning I would rather come on too strong than indifferent. I would rather have my loved ones learn firsthand how much I care about them than wonder whether they ever cross my mind. I would rather spread kindness than paranoia. I would rather look someone in the eyes, tell them how I feel about them, and get rejected than send mixed signals for months that they might misinterpret.

I am slowly learning my emotions are allowed to be released in torrents instead of held back like a dam. I am slowly learning to speak my feelings loudly instead of remaining silent because there is not enough love in this world. I would rather be someone who gives a shit, who spreads kindness, who comes across as clingy, than someone who pretends not to care about anything at all.