I Won’t Let You Know I Want You

I Won't Let You Know I Want You
Unsplash /
Stavrialena Gontzou

I won’t let you know how much I like you. I won’t flutter my lashes and play with my hair and compliment you on how attractive you look. I won’t let my feelings rise to the surface.

You’re never going to hear about how often I think about you throughout the week. I’m not going to let you know I count down the moments until I get to see you again because I love our conversations, I love our back and forth banter, I love looking at you look at me.

I’m never going to admit I have feelings for you. I’m never going to make a move. I’m never going to spill my heart out to you.

I’m going to stuff my emotions deep down my chest and force myself to forget about them as best I can.

I’m not going to look you deep in the eyes and lean forward to press my lips against yours, but I’ll slip up every once in a while. Even though I will act like I couldn’t care less about you, I’m going to tease you in that flirtatious way we have perfected. I’m going to get caught staring at you for half a second too long. I’m going to linger during every one of our hugs.

You might start to wonder whether I have feelings for you. You might see through my DGAF act. But as soon as things start to get serious, I am going to pull myself away. I’m not going to let you get too close. I’m not going to let anything happen between us.

We wouldn’t be a good idea. We would be the worst idea.

I don’t want to do something stupid just because you are attractive. I don’t want to get caught up in my feelings for you.

I won’t let you know how much I like you, even though I have a hunch we’re on the same page. I think we’re both playing the same games. I think we’re both thinking the same thing.

Maybe I should listen to my impulses and let you know how I feel, but that isn’t going to happen. I’m going to continue to pretend you are just a friend. I’m going to keep a safe distance. I’m going to make all my compliments sound sarcastic. I’m going to backtrack whenever I get too close to you, either physically or emotionally.

You are never going to know how much I like you. You are never going to know how close I have come to kissing you. You are never going to hear about the fantasies that run through my mind when I imagine the both of us together in an empty room. You are never going to learn the truth about my feelings because that would be too dangerous.

I want you. Badly. But I’m not dumb enough to chase after you. I’m not going to put myself through that, because everything is better off exactly the way it is. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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