I Won’t Let You Know I Want You

I won’t let you know how much I like you. I won’t flutter my lashes and play with my hair and compliment you on how attractive you look. I won’t let my feelings rise to the surface.

You’re never going to hear about how often I think about you throughout the week. I’m not going to let you know I count down the moments until I get to see you again because I love our conversations, I love our back and forth banter, I love looking at you look at me.

I’m never going to admit I have feelings for you. I’m never going to make a move. I’m never going to spill my heart out to you.

I’m going to stuff my emotions deep down my chest and force myself to forget about them as best I can.

I’m not going to look you deep in the eyes and lean forward to press my lips against yours, but I’ll slip up every once in a while. Even though I will act like I couldn’t care less about you, I’m going to tease you in that flirtatious way we have perfected. I’m going to get caught staring at you for half a second too long. I’m going to linger during every one of our hugs.

You might start to wonder whether I have feelings for you. You might see through my DGAF act. But as soon as things start to get serious, I am going to pull myself away. I’m not going to let you get too close. I’m not going to let anything happen between us.

We wouldn’t be a good idea. We would be the worst idea.

I don’t want to do something stupid just because you are attractive. I don’t want to get caught up in my feelings for you.

I won’t let you know how much I like you, even though I have a hunch we’re on the same page. I think we’re both playing the same games. I think we’re both thinking the same thing.

Maybe I should listen to my impulses and let you know how I feel, but that isn’t going to happen. I’m going to continue to pretend you are just a friend. I’m going to keep a safe distance. I’m going to make all my compliments sound sarcastic. I’m going to backtrack whenever I get too close to you, either physically or emotionally.

You are never going to know how much I like you. You are never going to know how close I have come to kissing you. You are never going to hear about the fantasies that run through my mind when I imagine the both of us together in an empty room. You are never going to learn the truth about my feelings because that would be too dangerous.

I want you. Badly. But I’m not dumb enough to chase after you. I’m not going to put myself through that, because everything is better off exactly the way it is.