I wanted to date you. I wanted to be your girlfriend. But it didn’t take me long to realize that was never going to happen.
At first, I was fine with the idea of keeping things casual. I wanted to be with you so desperately that I decided I would let you walk over me. I would let you use me. I would let you have your way as long as it meant I got to spend a few more nights sleeping next to you.
I thought the pain was worth getting to know you better. I ignored the friends who warned me you were going to break my heart — not because I thought they were wrong, but because I didn’t care if you shattered me into pieces. None of that mattered. Being with you was the only thing that mattered.
When we were together, I was happy, even though I knew it would only be temporary. Even though I knew you would end up ignoring me in the morning.
And when you acted distant, when you stopped answering my texts for a few days because you were busy with someone else, I would cry alone in my bedroom, thinking about how we were never going to get together. I would complain to my friends about how you were the only thing I wanted. I would allow my insecurities to overrun my thoughts.
I walked away because you didn’t want anything serious. Because I could not handle being this close to dating you, but falling short. Because you never gave me what I wanted, but you teased me with it.
As much as you want to defend yourself by saying I knew how you felt from the start, that you never wanted a serious relationship, you dangled girlfriend in front of my face. You made it seem like you were considering settling down with me. You gave me a million signals.
I stayed with you for longer than I should have because I thought your feelings for me were growing stronger. I thought you were going to decide I was worth the risk of falling in love. I thought our chemistry meant something.
I walked away because the effort tilted too far to one side. I couldn’t be the person initiating every conversation and planning every hangout session (aside from the times when you would text me at two in the morning, asking me to come over).
I didn’t walk away from you because I stopped having feelings for you. I didn’t walk away because I found someone better.
I walked away because you didn’t want anything serious. Because you made it obvious I was only your backup plan. Because you didn’t think I was good enough to date. Because I was able to be your sometimes for a little while, but I couldn’t do it for any longer. I couldn’t keep looking at you like you meant everything to me when I could tell I meant close to nothing to you.
I walked away because the little amount you gave me wasn’t good enough for me. Casual wasn’t good enough for me. I needed something more.