I do not give enough compliments. I do not give enough hugs. And I do not say those three little words nearly enough.
I am not open with my feelings. I hide behind my sarcasm. From time to time, I might accidentally come across as a bit of a bitch, but that’s because I don’t want to spill my heart out. I don’t want to get mushy. I don’t want to tell anyone how much they mean to me.
Instead of saying I love you to family and friends and boyfriends, I will give them nicknames. I will annoy them. I will banter back and forth with them. I will use actions rather than words. I will assume they already know how I feel, so there’s no point in verbalizing it.
I suck at showing love. I am uncomfortable with affection. I feel weird looking someone in the eyes and telling them how much they mean to me. But that doesn’t mean I am unappreciative. I think about how much my loved ones matter all the time. I brag about them to others. I put effort into our friendships. I am thankful they are in my world.
Even though I secretly have a soft heart, I can come across as coldhearted.
When someone I care about has been suffering, I do not remind them how much they are loved and wrap my arms around them in an embrace. I tell jokes. I make them laugh. I get them in a good mood. That is my contribution to them. That is my way of showing them that I care, that I don’t want them to be upset, that they deserve to smile once again.
After fights, I will not apologize, but I will send the first text to let them know I was thinking about them. I will tell jokes to lighten the mood. I will try to get them on my good side again. I will show them I am no longer mad about what happened between us and hope I am forgiven as well.
I express my emotions in a strange way. Even though there are certain people I would do anything for, I suck at showing my love for them. I suck at being vulnerable. I suck at acting authentic.
Most of the time, people see my pure intentions. They understand why there is a wall around my heart and accept the limitations it brings.
But other people do not realize my sarcastic remarks and inside jokes are symbols of affection. They will take my ‘insults’ the wrong way. They will assume I could not care less about them. They will see my I don’t give a fuck attitude and assume it’s the truth. They will get the wrong idea because I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I know I should work on my communication skills. I know I should embrace my soft side. I know I should spread more kindness.
I am going to work on all of those things, but in the meantime, I hope the people in my world understand that they mean absolutely everything to me, even if I have never said it out loud.