Before we met, I was in a healthy state of mind. I pursued my passions. I took care of my health. I made time for my friends. I had a good thing going.
I used to consider myself independent. I knew exactly what I wanted. I never let anyone take advantage of me.
But then I fell for you and I stopped caring about myself. I stopped putting myself first. I replaced my wants with yours. My only goal was to make you happy, even if that meant making myself miserable.
For months of my life, you were the only one I cared about. I would ditch friends to see you. I would lose sleep to text you. I would waste money I didn’t have on clothes to impress you. You became the center of my universe. You were my reason for waking up in the morning.
I pushed aside everything I cared about in order to focus on you. I tried to become the kind of person you wanted around. I reorganized my priorities for you and lost myself completely.
Back then, I existed to please you. It didn’t matter what I wanted because my goal was to give you whatever you wanted.
You encouraged my unhealthiest behaviors. You made me fight for your attention. You were happy when I called out sick from work to spend time with you or when I ruined my sleep schedule so I could drive to your house late at night after you invited me over at the last second.
You expected me to drop everything for you, even though you never did the same for me.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize how much had changed since we started talking. After meeting you, my self-confidence declined. My stress levels increased. I stopped thinking about myself. I stopped caring about myself.
You were the only thing that mattered to me. I did everything possible to keep you around because I was terrified of watching you walk away — but you did that anyway.
I thought I would be devastated once you were gone, and I was for a while, but I am finally realizing cutting contact with you is for the best. Our relationship was one-sided. I gave you everything and you gave me nothing. I didn’t gain anything from our time together except for a slew of new insecurities.
You made me feel like nothing I did was ever enough. No matter how much effort I put into making you like me, you never returned my feelings. You used me because you knew you could do anything to me and I would stay.
Now that you are gone, I can finally focus on myself again. I can ask myself what I want for a change. I can pursue my own dreams instead of sacrificing them so you could live yours.
Now that you are gone, I am going to find myself again. I am going to live my own life for the first time in a long time.