Hating yourself is exhausting. No matter what you do, no matter how successful you become, you always find something wrong with yourself. You are never happy. You are more comfortable complaining about yourself than complimenting yourself.
When you hate yourself, you have trouble being happy for anybody else. When you see your friends posting pictures of their vacation, you feel like shit because you cannot afford any plane tickets. When you see them post with their boyfriends, you feel like shit because you can never find anybody interested in dating you. When you see them post about other friends, you feel like shit because you are convinced you’re being replaced. You wonder why you were not invited. You make everything about yourself.
When you hate yourself, you assume everyone else sees you the same way you see yourself. Every time you hear a group of girls laughing, you assume they are laughing at something that you have done, the way you look, or how weirdly you walk. Every time you get invited to a party, you consider turning the offer down because you assume no one else wants you to come, that they would not even realize you were missing.
When you hate yourself, you lose your enthusiasm for everything. You don’t want to visit the beach because you don’t want to wear a bathing suit. You don’t want to go out to eat because you’ll take in too many calories. But you don’t want to exercise either because you do not think it’ll work anyway.
When you hate yourself, daily tasks become more difficult than they should be. Washing your face and doing your hair in the morning is your least favorite part of the day because you know you are never going to like what you see. You know staring in the mirror for so long is only going to make you feel worse about yourself. It’s the same with the shower and getting changed into different clothes. You don’t want to look down at your body. You don’t want to see yourself.
When you hate yourself, it is impossible to enjoy the moment, because even when you are having a good time, dark thoughts will enter your mind. When you have a few seconds alone to yourself, you will overthink things. You will imagine the worst case scenario happening. You will have fake arguments inside of your head that make you upset, even though they are only a fantasy.
When you hate yourself, that hatred spreads. You end up hating people who are prettier than you and more successful than you because you are jealous. You end up hating strangers because they are holding hands and smiling and look happier than you have ever felt. You end up hating random celebrities and television shows and songs because it’s easier than loving them.
When you hate yourself, you become comfortable with your dark thoughts. You forget what it’s like to smile real smiles. You have trouble escaping from the dangerous mindset you have gotten stuck in, even though you deserve to know what it’s like to feel loved — especially by yourself.