I Really Don’t Like Myself

Like Myself
Unsplash /
Angelos Michalopoulos

I don’t like my stomach. I don’t like my pale skin. I don’t like what I look like without make-up and I don’t like what I look like with make-up either because I suck at applying eyeliner evenly and my pimples always show through the foundation.

I have been trying to lose weight but it isn’t working. I have been trying to raise my confidence and think positive and love myself but none of that is working either.

I hate how much I care about what other people think. I wish I could stop comparing myself to every other person on Instagram. I wish I could stop looking at other girls with jealousy because they are skinnier or tanner or have clearer skin.

I want plastic surgery for my personality. I want to train my brain to think differently and I am trying, I really am trying, but I keep failing.

Whenever I feel good about myself, it’s only for a few minutes. I will look in the mirror and get excited about how cute I look but then I’ll try to take a selfie and every one will come out horribly and I’ll go right back to thinking of myself as ugly.

I want to believe the compliments people give me, but I feel like they are only being nice. I could never think of myself as attractive.

It’s not like my looks are the only thing I’m insecure about. I hate my personality, too. I hate how shy I am in social situations. I hate how awkward conversations get. I hate how upset I become if the tiniest thing goes wrong, if someone looks at me slightly strange.

I am the kind of person who blends into the background. No one realizes when I am gone because it’s not like I talk much anyway.

When I voice the way I feel — like I am completely and utterly unwanted — friends will cluster around me, telling me it’s not true. Reminding me they love me and want to hang out with me.

I think they think they are telling the truth — but it’s hard for me to believe when all my weekends are spent alone. When no one is available when I ask them to hang out and they never even bother to schedule a raincheck. They never try to see me. Vaguely saying, “It’s been way too long. We should hang out soon” is not trying to see me.

Even though I am discouraged, even though I have lost most of my motivation, it’s not like I have given up on myself.

I wear clothes that make me feel better about myself. I leave my comfort zone and talk to people even when I am terrified of speaking aloud. I try to act confident. I try to make friends. I try to feel included — but I still feel like an outsider. I feel like I am never doing enough.

I am fighting my hardest to find self-love — but right now I really don’t like myself. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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Image Credit: Unsplash / Angelos Michalopoulos

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