I Really Don’t Like Myself

I don’t like my stomach. I don’t like my pale skin. I don’t like what I look like without make-up and I don’t like what I look like with make-up either because I suck at applying eyeliner evenly and my pimples always show through the foundation.

I have been trying to lose weight but it isn’t working. I have been trying to raise my confidence and think positive and love myself but none of that is working either.

I hate how much I care about what other people think. I wish I could stop comparing myself to every other person on Instagram. I wish I could stop looking at other girls with jealousy because they are skinnier or tanner or have clearer skin.

I want plastic surgery for my personality. I want to train my brain to think differently and I am trying, I really am trying, but I keep failing.

Whenever I feel good about myself, it’s only for a few minutes. I will look in the mirror and get excited about how cute I look but then I’ll try to take a selfie and every one will come out horribly and I’ll go right back to thinking of myself as ugly.

I want to believe the compliments people give me, but I feel like they are only being nice. I could never think of myself as attractive.

It’s not like my looks are the only thing I’m insecure about. I hate my personality, too. I hate how shy I am in social situations. I hate how awkward conversations get. I hate how upset I become if the tiniest thing goes wrong, if someone looks at me slightly strange.

I am the kind of person who blends into the background. No one realizes when I am gone because it’s not like I talk much anyway.

When I voice the way I feel — like I am completely and utterly unwanted — friends will cluster around me, telling me it’s not true. Reminding me they love me and want to hang out with me.

I think they think they are telling the truth — but it’s hard for me to believe when all my weekends are spent alone. When no one is available when I ask them to hang out and they never even bother to schedule a raincheck. They never try to see me. Vaguely saying, “It’s been way too long. We should hang out soon” is not trying to see me.

Even though I am discouraged, even though I have lost most of my motivation, it’s not like I have given up on myself.

I wear clothes that make me feel better about myself. I leave my comfort zone and talk to people even when I am terrified of speaking aloud. I try to act confident. I try to make friends. I try to feel included — but I still feel like an outsider. I feel like I am never doing enough.

I am fighting my hardest to find self-love — but right now I really don’t like myself.