I consider myself a loner. I claim that I like the quiet. I am always talking about how much I like my alone time, which is mostly true. Most of the time, I would rather be sitting alone in my bedroom, reading a book or binging a series or trapped in my own thoughts. Most of the time, I cancel plans and avoid texts because I cannot muster up the energy to socialize. Most of the time, I am happy in isolation.
But that is not always the case. There are days when I am dying for social interaction. Days when it bothers me that no one has been blowing up my phone or inviting me to come get drinks with them. There are days when the only thing in the world I want is to be surrounded by people, to have conversations, to tell stories, to make jokes. There are times when I wish I had more friends, when I wish I had more things to do than just sit inside of my empty bedroom.
Even though I get nervous around people, even though I feel like I never know the right thing to say around them, I am dying for social interaction. I want to go to parties and mingle. I want to go to the beach and play volleyball on the sand. I want to go to bars and get drunk. I want to feel alive for a change because I am sick of staying cooped up inside.
I hate how socially awkward I am, because it makes it harder to develop (and sustain) friendships. I never know what to say over text. I overthink and make myself paranoid. I have a hard time making eye contact. I have an even harder time making conversation.
I will wish for plans — but as soon as someone actually tries to make plans with me, I will find a reason not to go with them. I will make up excuses so that I can remain where I’m comfortable, inside of my home, all alone. And later on, when I am feeling bored and restless, I will wish I made a different decision. I will be pissed at myself for staying home when I could have been having fun.
As much as I hate people, I need to be around them more. Spending so much time by myself has been driving me insane. I need more people to text. I need more people to hang out with on weekends. I cannot keep doing this alone.
I want to say that I am okay on my own, that I actually like having the time to myself, and sometimes I really do prefer the isolation. But other times, I hate it. It makes me feel like there is no one in this world who cares about me. Like I am an outsider who is never going to find where I belong.
I don’t want to be around people — but at the same time, it’s all I want.